People...who doesn’t like shoving things up their holes?! Okay fine, I’m sure there’s a lot of people. But all those people are wrong and I have nothing to say to them. To those of you who enjoy, or think you might enjoy, the feeling of vibrations inside you, feel free to peruse this guide to better help you in your valiant quest to find the perfect internal vibrator.

Internal vibrators and orgasms

Before you embark on your quest to buy the vibrator of your dreams, there’s something important for vagina owners to know.

For most vaginas, stimulation solely from an internal vibrator will not be enough to make you orgasm.

Most vaginas require clitoral stimulation or g-spot stimulation to achieve orgasm. This means any straight up and down buzzing vibrator isn’t likely to get you over the line, because it's not actually hitting any of your nerve clusters that trigger pleasure responses.

It’s important to remember this, because it’s common for vagina owners to be disappointed in their first toy purchase and to believe that they’re unable to orgasm or that toys just aren’t going to work for them.

There are also exceptions; some vaginas respond very positively to a plain old straight vibrator (but statistically speaking they are the exception).

If you're into anal play, internal vibrators can be great. Just remember to look for ones with a flared base or safety stopper at the end of the toy so it can’t disappear up inside you. No one wants a live vibrator disappearing up into their colon...or at least not many people do.

When it comes to sex toys, they’re like anything else that you’re putting in your body - you wanna make sure it’s safe before you do!

Safety first

Jelly & rubber

Back in the early days of my masturbation career, I decided to branch out from my makeshift wank accessories and buy a “real” sex toy. So I jumped on adultshop.com and perused their wares. Because I was a broke uni student, I went with the cheapest model available, figuring if I liked it I could upgrade later. And if I didn’t, at least I wouldn’t have wasted too much money. From memory, it cost me $25 and looked pretty much the same as the image above, except for some reason was blood red.

This isn’t an experience unique to myself. Many vagina owners, when first foraying into sex toys will opt for something affordable and entry level. And unfortunately that often ends up being a jelly vibrator.

These vibrators have a lot in common with your creepy old Uncle - they’re shittily put together, smell terrible, sweat profusely, are toxic as hell and are woefully inadequate at inducing any kind of orgasm (and should be kept away from underage children).

Because they’re made from the lowest quality materials, the motor inside is never really strong enough to get the vibrations out past the jelly or rubber casing. This means once it’s inside you you’re going to feel only the barest of tinglings about your nethers.

And all of that is when they’re not giving you cancer.

The materials these products are made from contain a lot of substances that really aren’t great for your body, including something called “pthalates”. Phthalates are usually found in jelly toys because that’s what makes them more flexible and squidgy. They’re also linked to breast cancer, asthma and significant hormonal changes in the body. If you want to truly horrify yourself, check out Dangerous Lilly’s jar of jelly toys, and see what happens when you just leave these fuckers alone for a while.

But even if the cancer doesn’t put you off, there’s also the fact that their shape isn’t really designed to be hitting any internal pleasure zones. And since most of them don’t have a flared base they’re not safe for anal play either.

Basically, if you value your genitals, stay well away from these jelly atrocities.

Types of internal vibrators

Before buying a rabbit vibrator…

The Rabbit was made famous by Sex and the City. That show is the sole reason many sex toy manufacturers are still in business today. Despite the episode going to air in 1998, it still informs the purchasing decisions of most vagina owners. Since sex toys aren't usually discussed openly or with any great detail in public media, the rabbit remains the only cultural touchstone most people have for a female sex toy. Therefore it becomes most people's first purchase by default, whether for themselves, for friends or as gag gifts.

Don’t get me wrong, I think that anything that encourages people to explore their sexuality and their pleasure is a great thing! But to be honest, I don’t approve of the rabbit design, for a number of reasons. As I’ve said before, if you own a rabbit (whether as a pet or as a sex toy) and it makes you happy, then bless you and I wish you both well in this world. But most of the time the rabbit promises the world and fails to deliver.

Like so many things, the idea is great. You have an internal shaft to simulate a good dicking, and then you have an external clitoral stim. There’s my first problem though. Most of the clit stims attached to rabbits aren’t very flexible, so depending on your anatomy it either won’t line up with your clit or is so rigid it won’t let you get use the toy internally. For instance if you want to use it anally with the clitoral attachment running across your perineum...well most rabbits won’t let you, because the clitoral attachment isn’t flexible enough.

If you find clitoral sensations too intense and prefer clitoral stimulation to be more of a circling around your go button, the rabbit design won’t work with your body.

My main issue with the rabbit though is that when you’re stimulating your clit, you tend to want to find one perfect spot or a small zone and stay there, with minimal movement outside of that area. And when you’re after a penetrative sensation, you’re generally looking for a bit of movement to go with it, e.g. thrusting in and out. But if you combine these two actions, while using the rabbit, you’re sacrificing one or both pleasure zones. You can’t pound away at your vag and keep the clit stim in the same place. And you can’t keep the clit stim in one place if you want internal thrusting. This means you’re either stuck plugging up your vag like it’s a bathroom sink while you get clitoral satisfaction, or you can pound away internally while your clit gets a small buzz only on the last half inch of every thrust, like it’s the last ball in a Newton’s cradle.

The rabbit is a great concept, because the idea of having clitoral stimulation and internal penetration at the same time is statistically more likely to make vagina owners orgasm, but because of the design it renders one or both functions useless. Of course there are exceptions to this. Some people have a masturbatory style that involves slow or very controlled movement, so they’re able to benefit from both of the rabbit functions. Others, like the We-Vibe Nova have designed their clit stim attachment so that it remains in contact with the clitoris regardless of how you’re thrusting.

The important thing is that if you’re considering buying a rabbit, be mindful of your masturbatory style, and really consider the design before you buy it. Because there’s nothing worse than forking out over $100 for a toy only to find that it doesn’t do what you want it to.

Clitoral sucking attachments on internal vibrators

Since the advent of the Womanizer/Satisfyer (truly the Swift vs Perry feud of the sex toy world) there have been an overwhelming number of new toys to incorporate the ‘suction function’ into their designs.

While these are innovative, it’s important to remember that they will still be subject to the usual rabbit design short-comings for certain masturbators.

That said though, we would be remiss if we didn’t take a moment to give an honourable mention to one particular design.

Inexplicably named after a woman’s canine companion, Tracey’s Dog exploded onto the sex toy scene in 2019 thanks to the truly transcendent Amazon review left by Express 7676, describing the moment the toy made her levitate, as her soul left her body, while her legs stuck straight out like one of those fainting goats. Even if the toy is shit, the review is spectacular!

Tracy’s Dog Clitoral Sucking Vibrator isn’t the first toy to combine the clitoral suction with internal g-spot vibrations. But according to the many Amazon reviews, the execution on their design is what makes it stand out. To be honest though, I’m more interested in meeting the eponymous dog.

One of the more famous clitoral-suction-internal vibrators is Lora DiCarlo’s Osé. This is the vibrator that famously won a CES Innovation Award, before CES revoked the award and company’s right to exhibit at the show again due to an ‘immorality’ clause. Thankfully Lora DiCarlo didn’t take this lying down and the company went on a media spree to highlight exactly what bullshittery was afoot. In the process they successfully lobbied for sexual health devices to be permitted, and in 2020 they were back at CES presenting the Osé.

The Osé is a hands-free micro-robotic massager designed to simultaneously stimulate the G-spot with a proper ‘come hither’ motion as well as the internal and external clitoris through suction tech. Yeah. It deserved that fucking award.

Prostate stimulators and anal vibrators

Internal vibrators designed to stimulate the prostate, or p-spot, are usually a pretty good starting place if you’re looking to get into anal play. Don’t be put off by the word prostate though, you don’t have to have one to enjoy these toys.

There’s a huge variety of designs and shapes that are all marketed as p-spot specialisers, but the thing to look for is one made of good quality materials with an obvious flared base.

For instance, the Lelo Billy (pictured above) looks exactly like normal internal vibrator, but the flared base makes it anal safe. Fun Factory’s Duke takes it a little further by designing something that also stimulates your perineum at the same time.

And then there’s the folks at Nexus who have a whole range of amazing, high quality prostate massagers designed specially for anal pleasure. Because butts need love too!

Stronics and pulsators

So Fun Factory have concocted something amazing, something of a game changer really.

We all know what a vibrator feels like, right? Of course we do. It vibrates. Well Fun Factory came up with the Stronic, which in their words “pulses” instead of vibrates. I personally think a more accurate description is “thrusts”.

If you hold it in your hand, you can feel it thrusting, as though it’s innately seeking some strange ephemeral hole that human eyes cannot behold.

If you’re interested in anal play, you’ll want the Zwei, and if you’re into vaginal thrusting, there’s the the Eins or if you like one that works for both there’s the Drei (pictured above). Fun Factory provides a whole family of ‘pulsators’ sure to suit any needs.

Also if you want to be hilariously bewildered, take two minutes to watch their promo video, which doesn't feature anywhere near as much crotch thrusting as I would have hoped.

Original designs

There are a few notable mentions in the realm of internal vibes that don’t really fit into any other category.

G-vibe (pictured above). Although it looks like just another take on the rabbit design, you can actually use it completely internally. The fronds (I like calling them fronds, it makes me feel like I’m fucking a fern), can be pinched together for insertion and then will fold out once they’re inside, stimulating both the back and front of your orifice of choice. Also, on a side note, they smell like candy.

Another contender for the rabbit alternative throne is the Rock Chick designed Rocks Off Vibrator (pictured above). Although I’ve not had the pleasure of trying one myself, many vagina owners swear by its orgasmic inducing properties. The shape is similar to the We-Vibe, but it's a lot sturdier and on a bigger scale. You'll also notice the curve of the design which looks promising for achieving g-spot orgasms.

And then there’s The Cone (pictured above).

Oh Cone.

One day, I will buy you and I will try you, but until then I’m going to continue to mock what I don’t understand.

The cone, so the legends say, can be used internally or externally for clitoral stimulation. According to the tales it is also compatible for vaginal or anal use. I wouldn’t know. But one day I will. Until then, if you have used The Cone and lived to tell the tale, please get in touch!

This is a far from comprehensive list of all the different kinds of internal vibrators out there, but it should help you narrow down your options. Just remember to always wash your toys after you take them out of the packaging, and again when you’re done with them.

That is all.

You may go now.