[Estimated reading time: 8 minutes]

People...some words are uncomfortable. Words like ‘moist’ and ‘titmouse’ can leave us feeling a little funny. But some words are worse. Some words are so awful that big, strong, manly men don’t even feel brave enough to say them out loud, even to their friends. Words like ‘masturbation sleeve’ or ‘fleshlight’. The words we use for penis pleasuring toys seem to be so taboo that most penis owners don’t want to have conversations about them.

But we know better! We’ve talked before about the bullshit social judgements that cis-het men are subjected to when it comes to sex toys. And we’ve definitely talked about how important masturbation is for your health and wellbeing. So if you’re hesitating to buy a toy for your wang because you’re worried about any of the judgement that might go along with it - worry not. You’re a grown ass adult who is entitled to sexual pleasure. Because as long as no one is getting hurt or coerced, then no one gets to make you feel bad about your sexual wellbeing and decisions.

If wanking was a car show, using your hand would be the Datsun Bluebird that you inherited from your older sibling. You’ve driven it for several years because you know it gets you from A to B. There’s nothing wrong with it, so you don't feel like you have to replace it. But equally, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to drive a McLaren 570S. You’re still getting to your destination, but the trip is going to be a lot more fun. So take a moment to remind yourself that there’s nothing wrong with buying a sex toy, you’re not sad or pathetic, any more so than someone who upgrades their car.

Now, penises are tricksy things; like little hobbitses hanging off the front of your crotch. Each one insists on being it’s own unique and special snowflake, with preferences for how it likes to be touched and talked to. For this reason, finding the right masturbator can be kind of like trying to throw the One Ring into Mount Doom - a fucking long journey.

Well today we’re going to take the Eagle Option and ensure that you’ve got all the information you need to make a purchase for your little crotch hobbit. The most difficult part of finding the right hole to throw your Precious into, is that if you’ve only ever used your hand or a willing orifice, then you won’t know which kind of toy is going to rock your cock.

Beware the ‘death grip’

When some penis owners make their first forays into sex, whether it’s with a toy or another person, they will sometimes notice that they’re unable to orgasm, or might not even be able to maintain an erection. You see our hand offers something that no sex toy or human orifice has yet mastered - adjustable grip. So for people who masturbate frequently, and exclusively with their hand, they can find themselves applying progressively more pressure to their peen. This means that when they try something different, like a sex toy or another person’s body, it can’t provide the same level of intense sensation and pressure.

It’s a problem with a relatively simple fix though - simply abstain from masturbation for a while. Allow your south pole to recover its natural sensitivity, so by the time you do wank again with something other than your hand, you’ll be able to appreciate the sensation difference.

There’s a few different kinds of penis pleasuring sex toys on the market, but essentially they all come down to the same thing; a hole to put a dick in. What changes is the scale on which they do this and the texturing they use internally. Some masturbators are really big, while some are designed to be small and inconspicuous. Some try to be as realistic as possible, while others are focused more on providing as much sensation as they can.

So here’s a bit of a guide to get you started on your sex toy journey…

Strokers

There’s a lot of of shitty, rubber and jelly strokers out there. They usually don’t last very long, and tend to be super cheap. There are clear ones that let you watch your dick’s adventures inside the toy. There are ones that are smooth inside with no texture at all, that seem to exist solely to answer the question ‘what would it be like to jerk off into Aquaman’s sock’. Ultimately there’s a whole heap of variety and not a whole lot of quality. The only one I can really recommend, and you’ll see this name pop up a lot in this article, is the Tenga Egg.

Tenga is a Japanese company that makes some pretty exceptional penis toys (and a few average vagina ones). Their Eggs are small, elastomer pockets that come in a wide variety of textures. You can get away with using them about half a dozen times (depending on how well you treat them) before the elastomer deteriorates and they tear. They’re pretty affordable and a good starting place to see if you like the feel of a masturbation toy.

In the stroker style toys there aren’t a whole lot that endeavour to replicate a human vagina. The ones that do use a different material to the Tenga products, usually a patented product with its own name e.g. Fanta Flesh or Cyber Skin. These materials can feel quite lifelike if you soak them in warm water before use, and use a generous amount of water based lubricant.

You’ll find that many of the ‘realistic’ toys will pay lip service (ha!) to the opening of the toy, with half-hearted attempts to make it look like you’re sticking your dick in a pussy or a mouth, or occasionally an asshole. In terms of likeness though, it’s about as close to reality as playing Duck Hunt is to actually hunting ducks.

Sleeves, cups and massagers

If you like the Tenga Egg, but want something a little more durable, or maybe a bit more accommodating in terms of size, it’s worth having a look at the Tenga 3D line. These are sleeves with 3D textures embedded in them that create some pretty interesting sensations. They’re easy to clean and maintain and will last you for around a year.

Vibrating masturbators, usually sold as ‘massagers’ are generally only worth your effort if you go high end. The lower quality ones will pretty much just jiggle your balls around a little and give you mild friction burn. However if you invest in something like Fun Factory’s Cobra Libre you can enjoy a toy that will massage the sensitive area around the glans and head of your dick.

On the lower end of the price range, you can usually find the more disposable ‘cup’ products, like Shots Toys Easy Rider or Tenga’s cup range. These are products that aim to replicate a single sexual act and give you control through squeezing the hard outer casing of the ‘cup’ to create more or less vacuum pressure inside. The downside is that they’re usually only one use products (unless you wear a condom) so they’re not great value for money or super great for the environment.

Masturbators

If you’re an experienced masturbator, or you’ve tried the other toys and have a pretty good idea of what you’re into then here are some toys that you can invest some money (and your dick) into.

The Autoblow 2 we’ve spoken about before - it’s a motorised “blowjob machine” that doesn’t quite live up to its reputation. But as a cock massager, it’s pretty luxe.

Tenga’s entry in this category is the Fliphole Air. Despite being a dickless wonder, I'm quite a fan of this toy. I love that the design makes it look like a set of Apple speakers. I love that it's absurdly easy to clean - no other toy on the market lets you open it right up to clean it out properly. Also, because of the three pressure points on it, you can pretty much customise your experience completely and control how much or how little sensation you want to experience and where.

My other favourite masturbation brand is Fleshlight. They’re easily the most recognisable name on this list and have become the penis owning equivalent of the “rabbit vibrator”. But they’re a good brand. They make trans and queer friendly products and don’t resort to shitty marketing tactics that rely on shame or bigoted slurs. I also fucking love their products. They’re well made, last for years (if you look after them) and feel pretty amazing. Their website lets you build your own design, picking everything from the colour of the case, to the type of opening (vaginal, anal, oral, etc), to the stimulation style inside. Yes, they’re a bit of a financial investment, but if you’re into penis toys, they’re well worth it.

Sex dolls and sex machines

Pipedream Extreme makes a whole range of masturbation toys that are more or less disembodied fuck holes. Featuring limbless or headless, assholes and vaginas made out of “Fanta Flesh”, these toys are sizeable. The realism for these masturbators is less about the internal texture and more about the detail that’s gone into the material. It doesn’t feel like a real person, but it does a pretty good job. It’s important to note though, these toys are a pain in the ass to clean and store without them getting dusty, sweaty, or smelly. They’re also fairly expensive, easily reaching a couple of hundred dollars for the smaller designs.

Pipedream Extreme (PDX) Mega Masturbator

There’s also the rather famous PornHub Twerking Butt Masturbator. It’s built by Topco and features Cyberskin, a motor that twerks the butt around, an internal warming device and virtual reality goggles that let you see the twerker you’re fucking. Overall, it’s proof that despite the lack of hoverboards, we are in fact living in the future.

You may have heard of “Real Dolls” before, or this might be a new and exciting discovery for you. Originally they were the stuff of “crazy shit Japan has” BuzzFeed articles, but since appearing in movies like Lars and the Real Girl, Sons of Anarchy, and other media moments, they’ve become a lot more mainstream. The most famous manufacturer is RealDoll, but there’s also Fantasy Doll, My Silicone Love Doll, Real Love Doll and Private Island Beauties. All of whom manufacture insanely realistic, silicone women that you can have sex with. Or just talk to. I’m not judging.

So when considering your impending penile-pleasuring purchase, remember that for once, size matter - because the bigger you go, the more you’ll be paying. This is why it can be more cost effective to invest in a smaller strokers and sleeves first, to get an idea of what sensations you enjoy, before making the financial commitment to a more expensive toy.

And there you have it, Miss Smut Button’s patented Guide to Penis Pleasuring Toys! Hopefully this has been informative and insightful for you and if it hasn’t, well you can always go back to using your hand I guess.

That is all.

You may go now.

Penis pleasuring - more than just your hand

Beware the ‘death grip’

Strokers

Sleeves, cups and massagers

Masturbators

Sex dolls and sex machines