[Estimated reading time: 6 minutes]

People...my clitoris is a hermit. He’s great at hiding, and most of the time is impossible to find without a map and a fellowship of nine. So from a young age, I've learned to use quite intense appliances to lure him out of hiding. It’s very rare that a battery operated toy is enough to get me going, and I’ve never yet found a toy that’s too intense for me. Until now!

I’ve said before how much I love new ideas. Especially when it comes to sex toys. The sex toy industry is plagued by stale old designs (most of which don’t work), and a significant lack of innovation. So when something comes along that’s a little different, or a toy shows up that’s clearly got some thought behind it; it makes me want to throw my money at it to encourage more companies to think outside the box (heh).

Two toys have recently emerged on the market, both atrociously named. We have The Womanizer and The Satisfyer Pro. Womanizer recently sued Satisfyer over patent infringement, but they lost. I received a free Satisfyer Pro 2 at a sex toy trade expo, so I thought I’d give it a whirl before I buy myself a Womanizer to compare it with.

The Satisfyer Pro 2 is USB rechargeable, so I had a healthy dose of skepticism about the power it could exert. It looks like an ear thermometer, and apparently uses suction on your clitoris to draw it out. Before trying it out, I tested a finger on the soft nozzle and didn’t notice any suction at all, which was disappointing since I'd been hoping it could replicate the sensation of someone sucking on my clit.

When you first turn it on you'll notice that it sounds soft and gentle; it reminded me of the machine a friend used for milking herself after the birth of her child. However, once you apply the Satisfyer to your junk, the dulcet sounds of self-milking machines are replaced by what I can only describe as a particularly angry duck. Lying there, with the Satisfyer between my legs, it was hard not to imagine a particularly irate water fowl getting frustrated in its attempts to find my clitoris. This obviously became a bit of a distraction for me.

The Satisfyer is designed to work by lining the soft nozzle up with your clitoris and then just holding it in place while it does its work. This would be fine if my clitoris wasn’t perpetually playing a game of hide and seek. Running the Satisfyer around my vagina I kept thinking I was in the right spot, but it was either too intense or not intense enough; trying to find the perfect place for it felt kind of like using a oijua board to channel a particularly dyslexic ghost.

I’m an impatient masturbator at the best of times and tend to pursue all the sensations immediately, instead of working my way up to what I want. So, because I immediately turned the thing straight up to eleven and applied it directly to my clitoral region, I did find that the Satisfyer could be too intense for me. If you’re a penis owner reading this, imagine receiving a blow job, but after you’ve orgasmed the blow job just keeps going, somehow with even more suction than before. At points, that’s what the Satisfyer felt like, a sensation somewhere between suction and vibration that was a bit too intense to handle.

I always turn each new toy up to the highest setting, because I’m so accustomed to them not being powerful enough to really do much for me. I think because of this, I found it difficult to strike the perfect balance between getting it on the right setting and getting it in the right position, with the result being that my clitoris fluctuated wildly between delighted and overwhelmed.

The Satisfyer feels like something out of Star Trek. Like a medically designed “orgasm extractor”. It feels less like masturbating and more like your pleasure is being sucked out through your clitoris by a flirty dementor. To date I’ve only tried it two or three times, and I get the impression that with practice I could master its wilful ways. My only concern is that after using it and switching back to my body wand, my clit felt like he’d had a hit of novocaine. Everything was dulled, and I wonder if maybe using the Satisfyer might ruin me for all other toys.

In summary, the Satisfyer Pro 2 is actually pretty good at what it does. If you have a reclusive, stubborn, or just incredibly insensitive clitoris then I think you’ll get a lot of it. And thanks to the variety of intensity settings, if you have a sensitive clitoris you could still get a lot of mileage out of it by starting on the lowest setting and gently ramping up to a level you’re comfortable with.

The Satisfyer Pro 2 is a surprisingly good product, but as with most innovative ideas, it does take some getting used to, so be prepared to practice.

That is all.

You may go now.