People...I’m a big fan of dicks. They come in all the different sizes, shapes and colours you could want, and sometimes they’re attached to a person you actually want to spend time with. I’m sure you’ll agree that dicks, like pussies, are pretty awesome. But the problem with dicks is, they aren’t always around. Or, if they are around, they may not be physically capable of the task you have in mind. Sometimes dicks get sleepy, or floppy and soft, sometimes the person they’re attached to is just too goddamn busy to be sticking themselves inside you right now.

And at times like those, you need a substitute dick! A dildo is a wonderful way of getting yourself off without the hassle of locating a willing and able penis. So, today we're going to navigate the overwhelming number of options that dildos present. Welcome, dear reader, to the Wonderful World of Dildos.

Dildo Materials

When purchasing your faux phallus, the first thing you’re going to want to consider is what kind of material you’d like it to be made out of. And trust me when I say there are a lot of options out there.

As usual there’s the materials you should avoid, which are the Rubber and Jelly toys. Quality retailers like Nikki Darling and Passionfruit won’t sell products like this, but the larger chain stores still stock them. If you haven’t heard the patented Miss Smut Button's rant about how these materials are carcinogenic and will make your genitals fall off, you should absolutely have a quick read before making any risky purchases. And if you want to truly horrify yourself, you can check out Dangerous Lilly’s jar of jelly toys, and see what happens when you just leave these fuckers alone for a while.

There’s a popular “dildo hack” going around that purports to keep you safe from toys like this. Allegedly, you can buy a cheap, potentially toxic toy and simply put a condom on it to protect you from whatever is in the materials. The problem here is that condoms are made to keep out bacteria and sperm - not chemicals. Silicone (the best step up from rubber and jelly) is inert, which means it won't react with anything. Condoms aren't inert, they're active, so who knows what chemicals they'll react with!

Don't get me wrong, using condoms on toys is actually a great idea for a number of reasons (cleaning, sharing, etc), but sadly it’s not enough to protect you from carcinogenic substances. I would still recommend doing it if you’re in a pinch, but don’t rely on it as a method of cancer prevention. If there’s one thing you don’t want to fuck around with, it’s definitely cancer.

If you’re willing to spend the whim-whams to have something you don't need to wear a hazmat suit to use, there are a number of fine materials to select from.

Silicone dildos

Silicone is awesome, and it’s great if you’re after a more realistic sensation for your playtime. It’s easy to clean and is the most common, body-safe substance to find quality sex toys made from. Just remember to make sure that the toy is 100% silicone and not a blend. Proper silicone will be completely opaque, if that helps.

Just remember: even though it might help you slip it right in - if you’re using a silicone toy, you’ll need to avoid silicone lubricant.

Metal dildos

Metal is a popular material for dildos and butt plugs. This is largely due to the fact that it’s a completely safe material to have inside your body, and that once it’s out of your body you can sterilise it with boiling water. This means you can share it between play partners without worrying about STI transmission.

I’ve spoken before about my favourite metal toys; a dildo that I’ve dubbed the Zombie Killer and the Njoy wands. Both of these are great examples of the orgasm-inducing possibilities of metal toys - plus they’re a great weapon against both home invaders and zombie invasions.

Glass dildos

Glass has many of the same benefits of metal. It’s great for temperature play; you can warm or cool the toy (usually using water). Also, like metal, glass is easy to clean, easy to sterilise, and comes in a wide variety of shapes and sizes.

Unlike metal, glass is normally a lot more affordable and easier on the eyes. You can buy glass dildos, butt plugs and even dilators from Crystal Delights that are so pretty you could gift them to your grandma for her mantelpiece.

Ceramic dildos

Ceramic is another medium that’s great for temperature play, with a few of them actually featuring a hollow interior that you can fill with hot or cold water. Ceramic toys are easy to clean and thanks to a variety of glazes, can come with different external textures.

Etsy is a source of some truly creative examples of this medium, offering them in every kind of shape and colour you can imagine, including dildos shaped like pistols, some emblazoned with the faces of political figures and even a few that look suspiciously like Batman.

Historically speaking, our earliest sex toys were likely to have been ceramic dildos, so fuck a piece of history!

Wood dildos

Yup, wood. Believe it or not, there are some fucking awesome wooden dildos out there.

Wooden dildos are coated in a body safe glossy finish, which means that you only need to apply a little bit of lube and it will cover the whole toy. They come in a variety of shapes and sizes and as long as you don't drop them and chip their veneer, they're 100% body safe and waterproof.

So if you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to fuck Pinocchio, then give wood a whirl.

Dildo forms

So once you know what kind of material you’d like, it’s time to consider the form that it comes in. As you can see from the banner image on this page, there is a LOT of variety when it comes to the way a dildo looks. To help break the process down a little, there’s two forms to consider; realistic and abstract.

For some people this isn’t a concern and they’re more interested in the materials or the design than the form. For others though it’s the difference between being able to use the toy or not.

Realistic dildos

Realistic dildos are, as the name suggests, dildos that look more like a real penis.

There are ranges that are moulded from famous porn stars, and others that are just semi-anatomically correct rubber or silicone imitations of generic penises. Some designs will include the balls, some will end at the base of the penis. You can get dildos to look like either circumcised and uncircumcised penises. Some will have big throbby-looking veins all over them and some will even have tiny little merkins attached to provide the hyper-realism of pubes.

Realistic dildos will come in every colour you can imagine, including colours that kind of undermine the realism somewhat (green, purple, blue, etc).

But it doesn’t stop there. If you think realism is limited only to human penises, you’ve never been more wrong!

Thanks to lovely people like the folks at Bad Dragon, you can fuck yourself with a litany of fantastical dildos. Diddle yourself with a dragon penis, or do it doggy style with a dinosaur’s dick. Or just go to town on a cockatrice, a gryphon or Cthulu himself.

You might be saying that these don’t seem particularly realistic, given that you know, we don’t know what any of these penises might have looked like. To this I say, Bad Dragon didn’t stop at fantasy, they also offer a range of dildos modelled after real life animals. I’m not going to list those because frankly I’m already concerned about being on a government censorship list and having the words “German Shepard Penis” on here probably wouldn’t help.

Abstract dildos

Abstract dildos are those that don’t look like any kind of penis you’ve ever imagined. Because they’re not designed to look like a penis.

There are abstract dildos that look like they could be works of art and there are some that look like minimalist interpretations of what a penis could have looked like if the gods had preferred clean lines over wrinkly, spongey flesh with little bits of hair.

Abstracts can be great if you’re a little intimidated by the eerie disembodiment of the more realistic dildos. They can also be great if you’re more interested in orgasming than just a general dicking.

If you’re looking for a dildo that’s going to give you higher chance of finding your g-spot, you’ll want an abstract design. G-spot toys need a fairly strong curve (the close to a C shape, the better) which you’re probably not going to find in a realistic design. Items like the Njoy Pure Wand or the The Force Curve by Crave are great examples of this.

Dildo designs & functions

The design of a dildo is what determines its function. Basically the shape it’s made into will tell you what you can do with it. Whether you’re looking for one to play with others, for self pleasure or for performance, there’s a dildo design to suit your needs.

Strap on dildos

Strap-on dildos are designed to work with a harness. Kind of like the the charging cable on iPhones, a lot of harnesses will use patented technology to secure the dildo, and then you’ll be able to use that harness with dildos that have the right attachment. For instance the vac-u-lock range will require the dildo to have a hollow base with little ridges inside. Other harnesses might require a flared circular base to fit inside an O ring.

Many ethical manufacturers though will create harnesses that have a stretchable O ring, or other method of securing the dildo. With these designs you can use any dildo that has a wide enough base to stay in place. You can also use strap-on dildos without attaching them to a harness - but the real fun is using them with a friend.

Strapless strap-ons

Strapless strap-ons are a relatively recent innovation. It’s designed in a kind of L shape so that a smaller dildo sits inside a vagina and is held in place through a combination of pelvic floor muscles and closed thighs, while the longer end can then penetrate a partner.

Your mileage may vary on how well it stays in place, since most reviews point out that when you’re excited these can have a tendency to just slip out. We’ve spoken here about The Share, made by Fun Factory and were delighted with its…staying power - but every vagina is different, so proceed with caution.

Double-ended dildos

Double-ended dildos, are something we’re big fans of. Unfortunately the market is plagued by double enders made from shitty materials, so you may have to spend a bit more to get a quality one. But they’re worth the money if you’re in a relationship where more than one person likes to be on the receiving end of dick.

Dildos with handles

Handles are not all that common but they do exist. Usually attached to the end of the larger dildos on the market, they can seem like some sort of demented pirate sabre (or dildo bat if you prefer).

They can come in handy if you have a partner who likes to masturbate you, as the extra length means you can be in a variety of positions and your partner can still reach the dildo to fuck you with it. Also if your partner is particularly talented, it can be great to combine with them giving you oral sex. Basically it’s a dick with a grip. Fancy, right?

Suction cup base dildos

Many dildos will come with a suction cup at the base instead of a flat flared base.

Aside from throwing them at windows to see who can get it to stick, or using them to fix dents in your car the suction cup dildo is perfect if you want to fuck yourself doggy style. You can affix it to almost any surface (plaster is a bit hit and miss though) and simply back yourself onto it. This also makes them the toy of choice for many cam performers as it leaves your hands free to do other things.

Dildo features

The final thing to consider when purchasing the dildo of your dreams is if there’s any additional features you’d like. This is not a comprehensive list of features, since there's a lot of unique designs out there, but it should give you an idea of the kinds of things you could be enjoying.

Vibrating dildos

Vibrating dildos are about as useful as the Minister for Women at the time of writing this; and have probably provided just as many orgasms.

Zero.

Zero orgasms because they’re both literally fucking useless.

A dildo with a vibrator inside can’t bend, so it’s not going to hit your g-spot and there’s also normally a fairly thick layer of dildo covering the vibrator so you’re not going to feel much internally like you would with an actual vibrator. However! There are some dildos, like the strapless strap ons, where you can insert a small powerful bullet of your own choice, into the base of the dildo. This in turn can amp up the power a little, and particularly with two person toys, can provide a little more stimulation.

In all honesty though, still mostly useless.

Ejaculating dildos

Ejaculating dildos are great if you have a cum fetish. You can fill them with fake ejaculate, which you can either make yourself or, you can use any number of purchasable fake ejaculate products. These are a bit of a kink/fetish item so they can be a bit hard to track down, especially if you’re looking for quality. I’m yet to come across a high end one, but if I do be assured sure you’ll get to read all about it.

Of course, special mention has to be made for the ‘ovipositor’ toys here. In science terms, an ovipositor is “a tubular organ through which a female insect or fish deposits eggs.” Sounds deeply arousing doesn’t it? Lucky for you, it’s now available as a sex toy!

Electrostim dildos

Electrostim dildos are a specific example in a range of electrostim products.

Electrostim is short for electric stimulation and does exactly that. It provides a quick, low level electric shock to wherever you apply it. In the case of an electrostim dildo, that would mean inside you.

This might sound extreme but the shock itself is normally no worse than those contraptions from late night TV ads that promise to zap your flab away while you sit on the couch eating Burger Rings.

So there you have it! You’ve now completed the beginners guide to the wonderful world of dildos - do you feel enlightened and illuminated? No? Well too bad, we don’t offer refunds. But hopefully you’re feeling less intimidated by the smorgasbord of faux peen that abounds out there and more able to make an informed decision when making your next penis-like purchase. So, go my pretties! Go fuck yourselves!

That is all.

You may go now.

Demystifying dildos