People...I have some shocking news for you. I hate to be the one to deliver it, and I’m going to ask that you take a seat, so you can fully appreciate the gravity of what I’m about to say.

Porn lied to you.

I know. This truly is the ultimate betrayal. We all have years of therapy ahead of us.

But now that the initial horror has worn off, I suspect your next question is, “But what specifically did porn lie about? Surely it has been and remains an accurate documentarian of the human sexual condition!”

Well dear readers, here’s the thing…Porn would have you believe that spit is an adequate substitute for lube.

No.

Just no.

Many people have this peculiar idea that using lube indicates some kind of shortcoming on yours or your partner's behalf. As though using lubricant means that you're some kind of failure as a lover.

THIS IS A LIE!

Lube should be looked at in much the same way as candlelight and Phil Collins. Sure, you can get hot and heavy without them, but do you really want to? Of course not!

Like sprinkles, lube is something that makes a good thing even better!

So let’s get you all lubed up with the basics.

Why do I need to use lube?

The same as lubricant in your car keeps everything running smoothly, sex lube will prevent a lot of things from going painfully wrong.

For many vagina owners, lubrication is something that they can create themselves with only minimal foreplay. And this is where the myths around being a ‘bad lover’ come into play. Some people assume that if they can’t get themselves or their vagina-owning partner to gush forth like Old Faithful, then they’ve somehow failed at the sex.

But there are a LOT of reasons that someone’s vagina might not self lubricate. Anything from stress or dehydration through to medication or alcohol consumption. Or, like penis owners, sometimes it can be performance anxiety. So putting pressure on a yourself, or a partner, to get wet naturally can actually take a lot of the fun out of sexy times.

Sadly, many people who find themselves in this situation won’t feel comfortable having the conversation though, and will simply forge ahead with spit instead.

Spit is NOT lube.

Saliva is absolutely full of bacteria, for a start. Which means that whatever germs you’re carrying, you’re transferring directly into the mucous membrane of any vagina you lick or spit on. This can also cause bacterial vaginosis, which is the opposite of a good time.

Secondly, if you’ve been drinking and you put that spit on a vagina, you’re gifting that person a yeast infection - very kind of you.

And thirdly, spit dries incredibly quickly. So if you’re using it for anal penetration (a notoriously un-self-lubricating orifice) you’re in for a dry time.

Then there’s the people who don’t even both with spit, and just go in dry. This is a bad idea.

Without lube, it’s very easy to cause minor abrasions and tears in the skin of the vagina, anus and penis. These small cuts can go on to cause a myriad of different infections, and they also increase the chances of catching an STI (because it can now directly enter the blood stream). This is also why spit is a terrible idea, because it dries quickly, causes tears, and then allows any bacteria from the saliva straight into the bloodstream.

If a penis owner attempts to enter an un-lubriacted vagina or anus with too much enthusiasm, they not only risk tearing their skin, but could also break their penis.

Without lube, condom breakages become much more likely (which in turn increases risk of pregnancy and/or STI transmission). And then there’s the simple fact that, for most people, having an unlubricated orifice penetrated just doesn’t feel that great.

What kind of lube do I need?

Maybe you’re thinking to yourself, “Yeah, I’ve used lube before. It wasn’t that great.”

Yeah, well maybe you were using the wrong kind of lube…did you ever think of that? Did you punk? No. I didn’t think so.

Like so many things, the wrong kind of lube can be enough to put you off for life. The wrong lubricant will make you feel sticky, uncomfortable and in some cases cause an allergic reaction.

But the right lube will leave you wondering how the hell you ever fucked without it.

The biggest thing to consider when selecting a good sex lubricant is, what are you going to be using it for?

Are you going to be having a wank?

Will you be having penetrative sex with a partner and if so which hole will you be plumbing the depths of, and will you be wearing a condom?

Perhaps you’re going to be giving head, or maybe you’re using a toy?

For each of these situations, there’s a right and a wrong lube to be using.

I know, SO much fun new information!

Oil based lubes & condoms - why not?

If you’re using condoms, lubricant can help to prevent the condom from tearing or breaking, and helps get you closer to the ‘perfect use’ level of effectiveness.

Hot tip: If you're using protection (condoms, dental dams, internal condoms/femidons, etc), applying a heap of lube to the genitals before you put the protection on will help to increase the amount of sensation happening inside the love glove. For more safe sex tips, check out our Guide to Satisfyingly Safe Sex.

Most people who use lube, but haven’t really thought about it before, will end up using whatever they picked up at their local grocery store. Unfortunately, this often tends to be an oil based lubricant. There are two types of oil-based lubricants:

Natural (like vegetable or plant oil, or butter)

Synthetic (like mineral oil, Vaseline, body creams or lotions).

Numerous studies have proven that as little as 60 seconds of exposure to oil can degrade latex condoms. Using an oil based lubricant with any kind of latex protection will deteriorate the latex, which can lead to micro-tears and possible infection, STIs or pregnancy.

Both natural and synthetic oil lubricants can cause allergic reactions, will stain the hell out of your linen, and can cause condom breakage. Synthetic oil lube can also take a lot longer to clear out of the body, and can cause vaginal infections.

We recommend: natural oil lube for intimate massage

Natural oil based lubricants can be great for massages, especially if they’re the kind of massages that evolve into an intimate genital massage session.

Synthetic oil lubricants really don’t belong anywhere near your genitals if you can help it.

Lube and penis-in-vagina sex

If you’re having penis-in-vagina sex you’ve got a couple of options in terms of lube.

In case you skipped the introduction, yes, we all know the human vagina has ways of lubricating itself. It’s pretty great.

But sometimes vaginas don’t produce enough lubrication, or they don’t produce it fast enough for how quickly you’d both like to get down to business, or any one of a number of different factors! Lube helps to take the pressure off and allows everyone to go at their own pace, without running the risk of injury.

We recommend: Silicone lubricant

A high quality silicone lubricant is a complete game changer when it comes to sex. It helps to prevent condom breakages, it never dries out and it feels amaaaaazing.

There’s a few quality brands out there to choose from. We’ve reviewed Uberlube before, but we’re also fans of Pjur and Wet Stuff Premium Silicone. Silicone lube can be a bit pricey, once you try it you’ll never go back to anything else. It’s so smooth and satin soft that it makes you feel like your genitals are secreting silk…in a good way, not in some kind of freaky spider genitals way.

Numbing lube and anal sex

I shouldn't have to point out the importance of using lubricant for anal sex. If you're trying to stick anything in someone's south hole without a healthy dose of lube, I'm pretty sure you're violating the Geneva Conventions.

We recommend: Silicone lubricant (without numbing agents)

When embarking on an anal quest a good silicone lubricant will work well with a non-lubricating orifice.

Silicone, unlike water-based lubricant, won’t dry up or get washed away by sweat or other body fluids.

But beware! Avoid any lubricant that has a numbing agent in it.

Some people will recommend products that have benzocaine or other mild anaesthetics in them. The pitch is that these lubes will prevent you from “feeling any pain” during anal play. The problem is, you shouldn’t be in any pain and if you are, that’s your butt’s way of telling you to “Stop for the love of god!”

Always listen to your butt. It knows things.

When you use a numbing agent for any kind of sexual activity you’re increasing the risk of injury, because your body can’t send you any of its usual warning signs. It also minimises a lot of the pleasure you could be feeling. It’s a lose-lose situation. So stick to the non-numbing lube and take it slow.

Lube and oral Sex

Did you know that you can use lubricant when you’re giving or receiving head? I know!!!

We recommend: Flavoured lubricant (with a good rinse before penetration)

Some brands make flavoured lubricants that you can apply to your partner’s junk before you start hoeing down. The taste of the lube will actually stimulate saliva production and you’ll end up having a nice wet make-out session with your significant other’s sexy bits.

Flavoured lube can also be pretty damned handy if you’re not feeling quite as fresh as you’d like to, or if you or your partner are worried about your junk smelling like underpants. Instead you can both taste like mint, or vanilla or lickable wallpaper.

Just remember that many of these flavoured lubes contain glycerin. So if make sure you rinse thoroughly after vaginal application, or before penis-in-vagin penetration, if the vagina in question is prone to yeast infections…because that is a decidedly un-delicious flavour.

Where possible, try and visit a sex store and ask the sales staff if they have a tester bottle so you can try some before investing. Taste is a very subjective thing and the last thing you want is to be licking up something that you’ve decided tastes more like expired cough syrup than raspberry sorbet.

Lube and sex toys

For toys made from non-porous materials like glass, steel or stone, you can use a silicone lubricant, just like you would for sex.

But nowadays, a lot of toys are made out of silicone or cyberskin, and silicone lube is not compatible with these. The silicone lube basically bonds with the material of the toy and instead of being all slippery and silky it becomes gummy and sticky. Not a consistency you want near your genitals!

Silicone or cyberskin toy? Don’t use a silicone lube!

We recommend: Water based lubricant (unless you’re confident about the toy materials)

Sometimes it can be hard to tell what your toy is made out of though, so a good rule if you’re not sure, is to stick to a water-based lubricant. That way your toys are nice and slippery, and you’re not running the risk of ruining them.

And remember to always wash your toys after use. You don’t need to use a toy cleaner, just a simple hand wash and air dry will do the trick...because being a responsible toy owner is fun!

Lube and wanking

Perhaps you’re one of those talented people who can masturbate without any assistance. To you I say “Well done” and offer some polite applause.

If you’re a penis owner then no doubt you’ve probably got this wanking bizzo pretty down pat. Good for you. But did you know that lube can really maximise your pleasure while jerking off? Sure there’s some that are specially made to work with Fleshlights or other similar masturbatory aids as well, but there’s also lots of lube that works great with your hands.

We recommend: Finding your viscosity preference

You can even get lube in different viscosities. So if you like a really thick lube to help spank your monkey then you and your monkey are in luck!

The trick to finding the right consistency is to hold the bottle and tip it upside down, then watch the air bubble inside the bottle as it moves through the lube. The slower the air bubble moves, the thicker the lube. Science!

Lube and menopause

Fellow vag owners, there’s this thing that happens to us when we get old. And no I’m not talking about unwanted toe hair (what’s with that anyway). I’m talking about menopause. Menopause is one of those things that no one really likes to talk about, which is pretty fucking stupid when you consider that 50% of the population will go through it at some stage.

There are a LOT of things that can happen when someone hits menopause...

But the one that I want to mention specifically is vaginal dryness. And don’t get me wrong, vaginal dryness can be caused by many factors and can happen to people well before menopause sets in; it’s just a particularly common symptom of menopause.

We recommend: Specialty lubes

Some lubricants will act as a vaginal moisturiser as well as being a good lube. They’re specifically designed so that they’re not claggy or oily or sticky and you won’t feel like you constantly need to wipe off the excess.

They’re quite literally a moisturiser for your moist parts - just like you’d use for your face, but safe for your pussy parts and to use before, during, or after sex.

Our preference is Wet Stuff Secrets or System Jo’s Agapé.

Lube and allergies or sensitive skin

If you’re one of those delicate flowers who suffers from skin sensitivity, fear not. A high quality water-based lube will keep you wet and wonderful, without running the risk of a reaction.

We recommend: Water based lube

Water-based lube can be used on toys, for masturbation and for vaginal and anal sex. It’s not always the best lube for each of those scenarios, but if you’re concerned about allergies or irritation then water based is a pretty safe bet.

Test patches can save your hide!

There are many different lubricants out there for sensitive skin, including organic, glycerin-free, paraben-free, silicone-free, etc. So if you're not enjoying water-based, you still have options.

Just remember if you're trying something new, always do a spot test first, somewhere like the inside of your elbow will give you a good idea of your reaction. Because no one wants to find out about an allergic reaction mid-coitus.

Heating and cooling lube

To finish us off on our slippery slope into lube town, I’d like to discuss heating and cooling lubes. Cooling lubricants traditionally contain a form of menthol or sometimes peppermint. The upside of this is that when used vaginally, the coolness can make your muscles reflexively contract, which means you feel tighter and it can be easier to orgasm. The downside is that it doesn’t wear off immediately, so you may need to purchase your vagina some woollens to keep it warm until the lube dissipates.

Warming lubricants often contain Capsaicin, which comes from chilli plants and is the primary ingredient in pepper spray. These can give a pleasant warming sensation, but they can also have some pretty devastating effects.

Don’t assume you know how your body will react. Bodies are sneaky and take great delight in surprising you at inopportune moments. When trying lubricants, always try a VERY small test patch first.

When in doubt...

If you can't remember what lube to use follow these two simple rules;

Water for wanking (with toys)

Silicone for sex

We hope you enjoyed your journey to lubricated enlightenment and if you didn’t, please be assured that we don't offer refunds.

That is all.

You may go now.

What you need to know about lube