[Estimated reading time: 4 minutes]

People...I have a couple of questions for you. Firstly do you enjoy having ridiculously explosive orgasms? And secondly do you anticipate needing to kill zombies in the future? Because if you answered yes to either of those questions, I have something you’re going to want.

Meet the Zombie Killer. Or if you want to recognise its official title, the Pipedream Metal Worx Curve…I'm sure you'll agree, Zombie Killer is a way cooler name.

The Zombie Killer is a no-nonsense sex toy that doesn't discriminate based on genitals; it's equally delightful for a g-spot and a prostate.

Now, you might notice that this toy is “very similar” to (read: probably a rip off of) the Njoy Fun Wand. However, it's also a little cheaper to purchase, which makes it an ideal entry point (heh) if you’re curious about steel toys, but hesitant about the financial outlay.

The rather expensive, and as it turns out, very imitable Njoy Fun Wand

The Zombie Killer, like most steel sex toys, is definitely an intimidating utensil.

Don’t be afraid!

Many toys these days are still made from plastic or jelly. These materials are porous (this means they have microscopic holes on their surface). Any material that’s porous is going to be prone to breeding bacteria. Of course you can, and should, keep your toys clean by washing them after every use, but porous toys are going to have a limited lifespan before they start to deteriorate.

The packaging says that the Pipedream Metal Worx Curve is made from stainless steel. The beauty of stainless steel is that it’s super easy to sterilise. And a toy that’s easy to clean and sterilise is definitely a toy you should feel good about shoving into your fun bits. However! It has come to light that Pipedream, despite their packaging saying otherwise, actually use pot metal to make their toy, NOT stainless steel.

Pot metal is still completely body safe, and easy to sterilise, but you will notice that after a while the finish on the toy will start to tarnish. This is purely a cosmetic problem and nothing to worry about. But if you have concerns, it’s definitely worth springing for the Njoy.

Materials like steel, glass, and aluminium are fairly indestructible and aren’t likely to get tiny little nasties growing anywhere on them. This also makes them the perfect candidates for a zombie apocalypse, because you can just rinse the Rage Virus right off them after slaughtering the undead.

Now, you’ll notice there’s two distinct ends to the Zombie Killer.

Don’t be afraid!

The end with the rounded ball is designed for internal g-spot stimulation. The tapered end is designed for anal stimulation. Because the Zombie Killer is almost an S shape, it doesn't matter whether you're using it anally or vaginally, both sides are perfectly crafted to hit your g-spot or prostate. So, realistically you can use the thing however you damn well please, but I would recommend using the ends the right way around, because whoever designed it knew how to do more than just kill zombies.

Some people will be taken aback by how cold the Zombie Killer looks. This can take some getting used to, especially if you’re more accustomed to silicone or plastic toys. However, the human body is a remarkable thing, and I can honestly tell you that you within about 3 seconds of contact between body and toy, you won’t notice the cold.

I’ve been known to remove it after use and marvel aloud at how ridiculously warm it gets, followed by insisting that everyone in the vicinity touches it to verify that I am in fact just as hot on the inside as I am on the outside. But if you’re concerned about the temperature you can always run it under warm water before using it.

The next stumbling block is often the solidity.

Don't be afraid!

There’s not exactly a great deal of “give” in solid steel. The best thing to do is to take things slowly. Buy the Zombie Killer dinner first, take it out for a few drinks and allow yourselves time to ease into it. Alternatively, encourage your partner to use it on you. Providing your partner has enough sense to start slow and not immediately launch into a drum solo on your g-spot or prostate with it.

Drum solos are something you build up to. Even Phil Collins knows that.

In terms of the undead, you’re going to want to perfect your technique before tackling any large zombie hordes. Try to use the tapered end for gouging eyes and nostrils, but the rounded end should be used for basic clubbing. And remember to always wash your Zombie Killer with soap and water after either killing reanimated corpses or masturbation. Cleanliness is still important during an apocalypse.

So there you have it, whether you're having a wank or staving off hordes of the undead, the Pipedream Metal Worx Curve is the toy for you. Great for anal or vaginal masturbation, perfect for flying solo or playing with partners...is there anything this toy can't do? Well aside from vibrate and grant wishes, no there's not. So buy or rent one today.

That is all.

You may go now.