People…I like sex. But sometimes, I don’t like all the fucking around I have to do before it. Playing the roulette wheel that is online dating, going out with people, doing the lesbican standoff, trying to figure out if you’re both DTF - extracting yourself afterwards… 

Who has the time?! Well, a lot of us don’t. But the good news is, if you don’t have the time, but you do have the money, there’s a very attractive alternative. Paying for it! Hooray for capitalism! 

Despite having received money for naked goods and services in my past, I’ve never actually paid someone else for sex. This is clearly a huge oversight on my part and something I need to rectify. So I reached out to the only woman I know who is open about her experiences of paying for it.

Captain Fanny Majuere is a double threat, having mastered the art of the one night stand and the monogamous marriage. Her body count is somewhere north of Princess Di, but not quite reaching the heights of Madonna. Since her early sexual exploits she’s been a passionate advocate for dismantling the orgasm gap and increasing the female market for sex workers. The Captain imagines a world where neurodivergent-friendly brothels exist on every high street and women can ask their friends for recommendations on where to get laid professionally. She believes every body deserves pleasure and sex workers deserve recognition and treasure for doing the work of the gods. 

And it’s in these capable hands that I’ll be leaving you for this article. Let the good Captain steer you through the ins and outs (heh) of booking your first sex worker.

Why would a woman see a sex worker?

Maybe you’re a woman reading this and you find yourself genuinely wondering what would have to go wrong in your life for you to be where I am?

Well, first of all, you should be asking what needs to go right in your life. But also, I hear you. For some people it can feel like a huge step from feeling randomly horny to considering their first escort booking.

My first argument would be, have you heard of the orgasm gap? And my second would be, have you spent much time dating recently? It’s not great out there.

For some people, like Miss Smut Buttons, seeing a sex worker is the grown up equivalent of going to a candy store - it’s pure indulgence. A spa day with a bit more a bit more ah in it. Something to reward yourself with or just enjoy when you have the money, because it’s about pleasure and not a lot else.

Pleasure can be complex though. For some clients, it’s about re-discovering pleasure after a long hiatus. Giving themselves permission to be physically intimate again after a divorce, a breakup or a bereavement. A sex worker offers the opportunity to break the dry spell physically without becoming emotionally intimate, which for some people can still feel too close to cheating after a relationship has ended. 

And not all intimacy is about being inside or on top of one another. Many sex workers have clients who book them exclusively for companionship. Some people book a sex worker they find stunningly gorgeous and go out on the town together because it makes them feel great to be seen with someone so attractive.

There’s also people who want to explore something - maybe it’s a kink, maybe it’s a new aspect to their sexuality, or it might be something they read about and want to try with someone they can trust to respect their boundaries. 

There’s nothing wrong with booking a sex worker. There’s no shame in it. It’s a great way to get to know yourself better and maybe even expand your comfort zone a little.

Is it legal for me to see a sex worker?

Here’s what you need to know about sex work in Victoria - it’s now mostly decriminalised (a.k.a decrim). This means it’s legally the same as any other job. So seeing a sex worker is like seeing an accountant, a hairdresser or a massage therapist. You’re seeking the services of a professional based on their expertise in their field. 

However, it’s important to remember that just because sex work is decriminalised, that doesn’t mean it isn’t still stigmatised. Just because the law now recognises sex work is work, doesn’t mean sex workers are treated equitably and with respect. This is important to remember. While you might have the best of intentions towards your service provider, that doesn’t mean everyone in the wider world does. And that can make their life more difficult on the whole. Yes, booking a sex worker should be like making an appointment to see your hairdresser - but it’s not, because hairdressers haven’t been denied human rights and equitable participation in society for centuries. 

How do I find the right sex worker for me?

The first question you need to ask before anything else is - what do you want?

Imagine you’ve got 2 hours, alone, with someone you’re attracted to. What does that look like for you? 

For some of us, the hard part is making it all fit into just one booking. But for a lot of us the expectation to suddenly be free of all sexual inhibition can leave you drawing a blank. Sort of like when someone asks you what your favourite movie is and suddenly you can’t remember a single film you’ve ever seen in your life. 

If that feels like you, here’s an exercise I’d encourage you to do to help with the overwhelm. Take a piece of paper and write down the following words:

• Smell

• Taste

• Touch

• Hear

• See

Now, think about your booking with the person you’re attracted to. Write down something you want to experience for each sense. How you want the person to smell, what you want to hear them say, and so on.

And if you’re not into sitting down and writing about your senses, check out this brilliant quiz from Melbourne based sex worker, Ember Organa. She provides the quiz to help nervous newbies decide how best to spend their time together. There’s even a free tutorial video!

The more time you spend thinking about what you want, the less time, and potentially money, you’ll spend on bookings with people that aren’t the right fit for you.

It’s about considering what you want though, not about building a wishlist that no one can live up to. You don’t want to dream up some perfect human specimen that can’t possibly exist in reality. Sex workers are people just like the rest of us and it’s unfair to hold them to unrealistic standards.

Think of it a bit like online dating - if you go out there expecting to find Hollywood good looks, three Phds, catwalk body, can have sex for 18 hours all while playing the viola for accompaniment - you’re probably going to be disappointed. And, more importantly, you’re probably going to waste a lot of people’s time while you’re looking for someone that’s just unrealistic.

So, remember to stay in touch with reality. That’s not to say you have to book someone you’re not attracted to. It’s just about remembering that we’re all human here. 

It’s worth considering other types of compatibility besides the physical too. For instance I have an administrative heart, and I love clear terms and conditions. So for me, when someone clearly lays out their cancellation or refund policy, or has a user friendly booking system, I’m quite titillated. Things like this can be just as important for those of us who have disabilities. 

My first service provider was a night owl, which is quite common in the industry. But I like to be tucked up in bed, alone, by 9.30pm. Some workers will specifically offer early morning cuddles and afternoon quickies. Things like this are all compatibility considerations.

Sometimes service providers will list things like a favourite film or book or tv show to give you an idea of their interests or things you might have in common. Some sex workers will have a blog on their website, this can help you figure out whether you’re compatible or not. 

Have a think about your deal breakers or ick-makers. For some people it’s mentioning political stances, even the subtle ones. I stumbled upon one service provider who I thought looked quite the chap, until I read his blog and he shared that he’d rushed to climb Uluru before it closed to the public. If you can’t respect the boundaries of the entire Anangu people, then I certainly can’t trust you to respect mine. 

I’m indifferent to mentions of dick size. I know for some clients it’s a dimension they want information on, but what turns me off is when a sex worker makes it part of their name, like Roger Everhard. It just feels like you want me to fuck a Benny Hill character.

You don’t have to book a sex worker for sex

Some of the best things I’ve done with sex workers, weren’t sex - shocking, I know! More at 6. Even though we call them sex workers, many service providers are happy to spend time doing things that we don’t strictly consider sex. Things like kissing and cuddling or making out are pretty normal things to ask about for example. Some service providers specialise in education - you can ask about learning a specific technique or skills.

If you’re nervous about booking someone and stepping straight into the bedroom you can always book a dinner date first. Many escorts are hired to attend functions as a plus one with clients. 

As long as you’re serious about the process of booking, paying and informing your service provider about what you’re after, you can have as much fun as you want in the booking itself. If you want to play board games in the nude, or march toy soldiers across each other's bodies, the only limit is your budget and imagination. 

Can I see a sex worker if I’m disabled? 

Fuck yes. Many sex workers are disabled themselves.

Many sex workers also have clients with physical or invisible disabilities. So there’s a strong chance you won’t be your workers first experience with the disability community.

If you have a physical disability that is going to require any mobility aids or supports or changes to a physical space, make sure you mention that when you send your query through to a service provider (covered below). 

If you have an invisible disability, especially one that you think might affect your time together, just mention what it is and what you’re concerned about to your service provider. For example, I tell my sex workers that because of my autism I can’t tolerate certain scents and can get sensory overwhelm and dissociate from too much good stuff happening at once.

What if I feel like I’m too fat or too ugly to see a sex worker?

It’s totally understandable to have some insecurities about ya bod when you’re naked in front of a new person for the first time - especially when that person is a professional sex-haver! But just remember this, a sex worker wouldn’t be in this job if they had any kind of hangups about people’s appearances. Your body is fine and it is worthy of pleasure. But if you find that this is a hurdle you really can’t get past, it’s definitely time to talk to a mental health professional.

Can I catch something from a sex worker? 

In the olden days, before decrim, it used to be mandatory for every service provider to have an STI check every 3 months. 

These days, most service providers still keep up to date with that testing schedule - after all, their health is their income. If they get sick, they can’t work. So it’s no surprise that rates of STIs in the general population is higher than it is in the sex industry, where condom use is standard. 

If you’re worried you might have an STI, either before or after your booking, it’s easy to get tested. You can get tested, free at the Melbourne Sexual Health Clinic (just make sure you book in advance if you don’t have any symptoms). Or if you’re a medicare card holder, you can get a  free over the phone referral for an STI test. This is a good thing to do regularly if you’re sexually active with multiple partners, or your partner is seeing multiple people. 

Most workers will do a health check before the booking starts, where they will visually check you for any signs or symptoms of an STI - but it’s usually done so seamlessly that you won’t even realise it’s happening.

How do I find a sex worker that sees women? 

In an ideal world, where sex work is treated exactly like every other job, you’d be able to ask a mate for a recommendation the same way you’d ask about a hairdresser. 

Unfortunately, we’re not there yet (unless you have really great friends). So for now, a useful tool is an online directory. 

An online directory is basically a website where independent service providers can place ads that list their profile details. Popular directories are Ivy Societe or Scarlet Blue (Australia/NZ) and Trystlink (International). Online directories let you search by city and filter by things like age, gender of the service provider, price, etc. They also let you filter by service type. Service type is usually broken down into a few different categories and might be things like Massage, BDSM, Escort, Online. If you come across terms that you’re not sure about, don’t be afraid to look them up. There’s lots of jargon in the sex industry! 

The industry archetype is that men seek services (e.g. they’re clients) and women or gay men are the providers (e.g. sex workers). This is demonstrably not accurate. Swoon over the research of Dr Hilary Caldwell PhD and her excellent book “Slutdom - reclaiming shamefree sexuality” to debunk that nonsense. 

Male providers for female clients definitely exist. They’ll often use “straight, male escort” in their description or bio and you can have a look at their testimonials from other female clients. 

If you’re seeking a female/non-binary provider you can select Lesbian/Bisexual (on Ivy Societe) as a service in your search parameter and female to female (on Scarlet Blue). There may be a discounted rate or short term offers for queer / solo female clients to encourage booking, but this will be clearly stated up front, so there’s no need to ask for it if you’ve already read their advertisement thoroughly.

I personally opt for a delicious mix of non-binary, bisexual/pansexual folks (for casting off gender and sexuality stereotypes) who are also openly kinky (for their clear communication, shame free negotiation and thoughtful aftercare). Even if the booking is a simple social date at a museum exhibition with snacks and stroll to follow, for instance.

If an online directory sounds overwhelming, that’s okay. You can kick it old school and open an incognito browser and search for an escort of your preferred gender and suburb (or closest city if you prefer not to bump into them at the IGA) and see who comes up.

You’d be surprised how many sex workers’ accounts you can find on social media. And once you follow one SW you’ll find a lot of their followers are other workers. But keep in mind this is casting your net without search parameters. This can be a better option for narrowing the search once you have a few contenders to consider or just want to get to know one worker better. Twitter/X used to be a good spot for SW to promote but is losing popularity for obvious reasons.

Speaking of social media though, if you find yourself on OnlyFans doing research and fangirling do not mention meeting up in person EVER. Thanks to legislation signed by the Cheezel in Chief, people can be fined or arrested just for receiving solicitation.

There are also escort agencies with their own screening processes. They mostly cater for male clients, but as the number of female clients increases it’s bound to change for the better. These are places that take a portion of the service provider’s fee in exchange for promoting them and managing the booking services. If you’re time poor and need some hand holding (figuratively) this can be a good option.

If you’re struggling with the idea of booking someone for 2 hours based completely off a photo on the internet, you might want to consider a brothel. If you’re looking for a same sex encounter, you can call ahead to check if they have suitable workers on shift. But otherwise, you can just walk in during their business hours and ask to meet whoever is available. You can usually have a chat with each service provider who is available, and then make a booking with one of them for a date and time in the future.

How does a woman book a sex worker?

This will vary from worker to worker, but the first rule is always to follow their instructions! 

But to give you an idea, here are some of the different ways that workers might take enquiries and bookings. 

Most sex workers will have their own website, and if they don’t they might have a profile page on an online director or agency page. This might list a phone number to message. If it asks you to send an SMS, do NOT call the number. However, if the number is explicitly stated to be for a brothel or agency then it’s okay to call. 

Some providers will give you an email address to contact and might even have a little script for you to use. Alternatively they might have a contact form on their website for you to fill out. 

Regardless of how you first reach out, make sure you keep it short and to the point. They don’t want an essay detailing your life story up to this moment and everything you can imagine doing with them. 

Here’s a template you can use: 

Hello <name of provider>, I saw your profile on <source> and I would like to book you for <type of session> on <date> for <amount of time> Thank you, <your name>

When will I hear back after contacting a sex worker?

Once you’ve made first contact, it may take a few days to get a response. Keep in mind that a sex worker isn’t an accountant, they’re not sitting at the phone between 9 to 5 doing admin tasks and then slipping into lingerie from 7pm for the after dark work. Their work hours are an unpredictable blend of booking requests, in calls, out calls, etc. So be patient. 

When you do hear back, it’s normal for the response to be relatively brief and to cover confirmation of the date you suggested, to outline their pricing, and potentially ask for  clarification on specific details. 

As a first timer, you’ll likely experience a bit of a grace period for oversharing in order to feel comfortable to book. This was my experience anyway and as you get to know each other better (during bookings) the explanations aren’t necessary. Keeping details brief, relevant and regarding upcoming booking only.

Each service provider will have their own screening process. This is an important part of the booking process. If you aren’t comfortable with the idea of a screening process, walk away now.

At a bare minimum, expect to be asked for your full name and phone number. Some workers may ask for photo ID such as a licence and possibly credit card details.

If you can’t comply with what your service provider requests, you’re not a good fit for each other. It’s bad manners to try and get around their criteria which are in place for a good reason. If you’re pushing against someone’s boundaries in an email exchange, it doesn’t indicate anything good about your bedroom behaviour.

Take your service provider’s lead when it comes to communications. Don’t inundate them with details about your idea for your booking - remember, they’re not getting paid to message you. If you’re really excited and want somewhere to write down everything you want to cover, it’s okay for you to keep notes for yourself in the lead up. 

Once you’ve confirmed the dates and the details, usually no more than 3 messages, it’s time to put down a deposit. This ensures you’re not wasting anyone’s time by going back and forth on details, while they’re not getting paid for their time.

How do I pay my sex worker?

You can make your deposit in advance via Beem it, which is like PayPal but you won’t be able to reverse the transaction unless the recipient refunds you. The balance can also be paid via Beem it (Australian App) or with an envelope of cash. But it must be paid before the booking starts. The booking does not start until everything is clearly paid via the method your worker has stated they prefer. 

What happens if I cancel my booking with a sex worker?

If you get nervous and decide you want to cancel your booking before the day, depending on the service provider, there’s a strong chance you’ll lose your deposit because that’s what it’s for. It covers the time they’ve already spent and the time they will spend finding another booking for your spot.

Remember, anyone of any gender or age can be nervous (to the point of cancelling) and workers are used to these feelings coming up. It’ll be much better received if you’re nervous than if you’re entitled and overconfident. Don’t feel like you need to fib and pretend that you have COVID or anything. Although on that note, definitely make sure you don’t and take a RAT before your booking!

Where do I go if I book an escort? And how do I get there?

Most private sex workers provide an outcall service - meaning they come to you. This doesn’t mean they’ll just rock up at your house though. Usually it’s expected that you’ll book a room at a minimum 4-5 star hotel. The service provider might have recommendations. 

If there’s any transport costs involved, or your worker books the hotel, they might give you a quote - that amount will need to be paid in advance and they’ll take care of the booking process. This is to protect their anonymity and safety. You can always ask for clarification on their instructions if you’re not sure. 

When your booking is over, and it’s time to head home, if you’re a woman it’s worth considering taking a Shebah. It’s that added peace of mind for when you’re likely to be a bit blissed out on oxytocin and potentially not your most safety conscious. I always book one in advance and change into comfy clothes for the homeward journey.

What are sex worker gift lists and why would I buy them a gift?

Even though tipping isn’t the norm in Australia, we also like to show our appreciation for a job well done. In the sex industry, this can be done the traditional way - with cash. Or you can buy a worker a gift. 

Many workers will publish gift list links because clients ask them for a way to say thank you that’s more personal than an envelope of dollary-doos. Lists can have everything from fetishwear to Bunnings vouchers or exclusive jewellery. And it takes all of the “will they like it” anxiety out of a risky purchase. Honestly, everyone should have a gift list. 

You’re not obliged to tip or to buy a gift at all. It’s simply there as an option for clients who want to show their appreciation. 

How can I make a good first impression with a sex worker? 

The best impression is always good manners and good hygiene. Hopefully by now you know how to wash yourself, so let’s focus on some basic sex worker etiquette. All credit here to Jenna Love’s guide to better etiquette. 

When you’re given the prices - Do. Not. Haggle. Remember, sex work is real work. If you wouldn’t haggle with your accountant, don’t haggle with your sex worker. And if you would haggle with your accountant, then ask if you’re planning on asking your accountant to bang you right after you finish haggling.

Be on time for your appointment, but never early. You don’t know if your service provider has back to back bookings, and you don’t want to run into another client. Even if you’re the only booking of the day, it’s also about giving your worker the courtesy of enough time to prepare for your arrival. 

If you recognise your worker in public - no you didn’t. Do not acknowledge them in any way. And do not expect them to acknowledge you. While sex work is work, there is still a long way to go before we achieve complete destigmatisation, so many workers are not out about their profession. 

Conversation will flow better if you don’t ask personal questions about your provider's private life or work experiences. Let them have their anonymity and they will respect your privacy too.

Just because you’ve paid, doesn’t mean you throw consent out the window. Checking in and asking if it’s okay to initiate specific physical activities is the correct way to proceed, unless your worker advises you otherwise. 

Farts, queefs, periods and/or other bodily functions are completely normal and bound to happen at some point. It’s okay to have a functioning body.

If you want to know more about how to make a good impression, definitely recommend checking out the Satisfaction Projects Good Client Guide.

What could I fuck up with my first sex worker booking? 

Avoid booking someone you’re physically intimidated by, with their perfect moviestar physique and body of Renaissance sculpture. You’re likely to be nervous enough as it is, try not to make it harder on yourself. 

Plan your aftercare. After my very first “get to know you” social lunch date I went back to work in a daze and forgot to eat for about 24 hours. I was very light headed and off my head on happy lil brain chemicals. I wrote a gushy testimonial while in this condition and it was very adolescent. So remember to hydrate, rest and feed yourself according to your normal schedule. 

Just because you paid doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them. Don’t force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Don’t rush everything because of time restraints. It’s ok to leave wanting more, and better to regret what you didn’t get to do than soldier on through something you thought you should do.

How can I manage my safety if I book a sex worker?

Meet in public for a social date if you want to get to know them first. Sometimes this is at a cheaper rate. Sometimes not. All food and drink costs are at the client’s expense. Keep calm, it’s perfectly normal these days for women to have money and pay for things.

Tell a friend where you’re going to meet your worker. Give details like the time and location, link to the worker’s profile and a time to check in with your mate afterwards.

Remember to then actually check in with your mate afterwards. You might need to set a reminder, since you might be feeling all warm and fuzzy and less concerned about admin.

And if you have a history of sexual trauma please address with a psychologist / trauma informed sexologist first. This is important to keep both you and your sex worker safe. 

A round of claps from our flaps for Captain Fanny Majuere! I for one can’t wait to sink my coinage into some quality time with some quality people. And whether you decide to book a sex worker or not, I hope this has helped give you more insight into the sex industry and demystify some of the processes. Sex workers are people. As such they deserve to be treated with respect and have the same rights and protections as everyone else. And there’s nothing wrong with seeing a professional to get your needs met.

That is all.

You may go now.