People...it’s that time again. Pull up your blankie, get comfy and grab some popcorn, because it’s STORY TIME MOTHER FUCKERS!

So when we last spoke I had just started working at my first brothel. My First Brothel…that’s a play set every child should have! Because brothels teach you a LOT about the world. Each one has its own micro economy and market, dictated by how much each sex worker is willing to undercut on price, and how far they’re willing to bend the rules to get a booking. A brothel will teach you about supply and demand as well as market trends and the importance of shameless self promotion.

Here’s something not a lot of people know about brothels, (and I’m speaking specifically about brothels in Melbourne because the legislation is different in every state); they’re not legally allowed to set the price that sex workers charge for their services. Sex workers are contractors, they’re not actually affiliated with the establishment they’re working in. A brothel is basically a really short stay hotel that just happens to be filled with semi-naked people wanting to have sex with you. At least that’s legally how it’s supposed to work, logistically it’s a little different.

Almost every parlour in Melbourne has a sort of scam pricing thing running. First you'll need to decide which service provider you want to spend your time with, which you'll do based on a series of private introductions by each of them. Then you’ll go up to the counter to pay. At this point you’ll be asked whether you want a standard or deluxe service.

A standard service (and this varies a little from place to place, but it generally looks like this) includes a massage, protected oral and protected sex. Sounds like a great night in, right? Not exactly. You see a standard service won’t allow you to touch your companion and it will only include one position. So this means you are basically having sex with someone that you’re not allowed to touch any further than actual penetration; no groping, no stroking, no fondling, nada. To this day I have no idea why “standard service” even exists. It’s normally $50 extra for “Deluxe” and depending on the service provider, that can include kissing, touching, different positions and a whole host of other fun stuff.

Each service provider is able to decide exactly what he or she is or isn’t willing to do with a client. They might decide that the client who just walked in looks like Channing Tatum and all they want to do is mash lips with him, in which case when they introduce themselves, they’ll mention that they’re available for kissing. However if a client walks in that looks like they haven’t bathed since the last time Charlie Sheen was sober, then the service provider has every right to not only limit the services that they offer, but to also completely refuse to see that client. So despite what you may have thought, yes, sex workers have complete right of refusal, so if you end up in a brothel please remember your manners. You don’t want to be that one sad asshole who couldn’t even get a fuck in a brothel, because you’re so rude or unhygienic that even money isn’t enough of an incentive for someone to sleep with you.

Each brothel has their own set rate for the rooms they hire out. Normally it’s charged at half an hour, forty-five minutes and a full hour. They’re not supposed to set the rate for what the service providers charge for these timed sessions, but almost all of them do. The reason being, as mentioned before, brothels end up with these kind of economic microcosms and without a standardized rate for a standardized service, you’d end up with market chaos and both the workers and the clients would end up being taken advantage of.

So instead each service provider sticks to the “recommended rate” set by the parlour (standard and deluxe) and will then offer their own range of additional services on top of that, which they can charge whatever they like for. What kind of additional services, I hear you wondering out loud. Almost anything you can imagine. It’s a Willy Wonka Wonderland of orifices and outrageous sex acts! Anything above and beyond the “Standard” and “Deluxe” services can be negotiated with a service provider. You discuss with them what you’re after and they’ll tell you whether or not they’re willing to do that and how much they would charge for it.

Nothing will make you feel more cultural than requesting certain additional activities in a brothel. For instance, Spanish, French and Greek are all sex acts as are digital penetration, mutual oral, role playing, toy shows and watersports. Each one will be charged at a different rate by the service provider, depending on how much they enjoy it and how much effort it requires. Greek, which is another term for anal, might be charged by one service provider at $50, because they enjoy it and it’s easy for them to do. Another sex worker might charge $1500 because they find it incredibly uncomfortable and don’t enjoy it, but they’re not going to turn down $1500 if it’s offered.

All of this, I learnt at My First Brothel (patent pending). What I was yet to learn, was exactly the kind of things people would pay for and by contrast the things people would be embarrassed by. On one of my earlier shifts, a client came in and very quietly told me that he wanted to do something completely depraved and he was here because he couldn’t talk to his wife about it. I braced myself for something truly fucked up, preparing for necrophilia, bestiality or both.

He very quickly whispered “I want to have sex…doggy style” and then immediately looked up at me as though I would judge him harshly for the words he’d let escape. I’m not sure what my face looked like at that moment but it seemed to confirm his worst fears and his shoulders dropped. I recovered and gave him my biggest smile as I told him

“We’re here to please you, in any way you need. I’m sure we can find someone who can help you out!”

Unsurprisingly, there were several willing participants and a grand doggy style outing was had by all.

There were of course the more unusual requests, as I discovered in my first week, when everyone in the brothel excitedly gathered around at the arrival of the “sandwich man”. In my innocence and naivety I anticipated that this was some kind of food truck or lunch delivery. Never having been a particularly big fan of sandwiches I lowered my expectations accordingly.

A smartly dressed man came into the reception area, smiled at my boss and said “Just the usual.” My boss nodded, smiled back and said, “Not a problem. That will be $800, cash or card today?” The man handed over a pile of cash and my boss gave him an unassuming brown paper bag. The deal was done, the man left and everyone in the lounge who had been silent, listening to the exchange, now burst into excited squeals. I turned to my boss and asked her what the hell had just happened.

“That’s the sandwich guy.”

“He didn’t bring any sandwiches…”

“No, he buys a sandwich from us.”

“An $800 sandwich?!?!”

She smiled and nodded.

“What the hell could be on a sandwich that someone would be willing to pay $800 for it?!”

And then, from the lounge a service provider excitedly squealed, “POO!”

I looked at my manager for confirmation and she nodded with a slight smile. We had just sold a man an $800 shit sandwich.

“Does…does he know that’s what’s on it?” I asked still trying to grasp the situation.

At this point my manager stopped indulging my stupidity and left me to ponder the implications of this further. All I could think was, do we butter the bread first? Later I started to wonder what he actually did with it. Did he eat it? Did he fuck it? Maybe it was a power thing, and he got off on the idea that he could pay a girl to poo onto a slice of bread. I’m sorry to say, I never actually found out what happened to the poo sandwiches after they met the sandwich man. The not knowing still haunts my dreams to this day. And now it can haunt yours as well. You’re welcome.

But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what he did with his sandwich. He wanted it, he had the money to pay for it and there was a service provider happy to accommodate his desire. At no point in this equation did anyone get hurt, ripped off or abused. That's the great thing about sex, it doesn't and shouldn't matter what you're into. If you can find someone else willing to participate in it with you, you'll both end up happy. Brothels provide a safe place to find that willing someone and in exchange all they ask you for is money. It's not so different to going to your favourite sandwich shop really...

That is all.

You may go now.

Storytime: Episode 2