The pre-sex conversation we have to have

People...I’m shit at awkward conversations. I just don’t have them. I ignore them, and I pretend that they don’t apply to me. This has gone exactly as well as you’d expect. I’ve landed in some situations that were way more stressful than just having the conversation would have been. What I’ve learned from this is that it’s something I need to get much better at. And to get myself there, I’m going to start having THE conversation. Which conversation? The conversation that everyone should be having with each and every one of their relevant sexual partners.

“What will you do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy with me?”

There are a lot of conversations that we should be having before sex with new partners. And most of us aren’t having them. Conversations about consent, about boundaries, about STI testing. We avoid them. And it’s not hard to understand why.

Sex and dating is a delicate and elaborate dance in which we try to convince strangers that we’re totally Normal™ and that they can trust us with their naked body, while at the same time both parties are actively looking for any evidence that the person they’re talking to might in fact be a complete weirdo.

Don’t believe me? Spend some time on Bad Dates of Melbourne or Bad Dates of Australia and judge for yourself. 

I wish I could say that I have a solution to this problem.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve got a surefire way of raising the topic of STIs before having sex with someone, without risking both of you feeling awkward. I don’t have this solution. In fact, I’m about to make it ten times worse. Because using the word ‘abortion’ right before you start fucking isn’t exactly sexually lubricating (and if it is you’re going to need a whole different awkward conversation).

This article is not about how to make important sex-related conversations any less awkward.

This is about making the case for why the unplanned pregnancy conversation should be normalised to the point that it becomes a standard line on first dates and hookups.

“What will you do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy with me?” 

On its surface this is a conversation about whether or not the woman or uterus owner would seek an abortion if they become pregnant.

But it’s deeper than that.

It’s about informed consent for both parties. It’s about involving men and penis owners in the fight for reproductive rights. And it’s about normalising awareness of contraception efficacy and the necessity of abortion. Y’know, just some light back-and-forth before banging.

Unplanned pregnancy? That’ll never happen to me.

Those of us capable of becoming pregnant don’t like to think too hard about the odds of it happening while we’re having sex. I mean, I don’t tend to orgasm at the thought of statistics on condom efficacy. But unfortunately our optimism bias is drastically increasing the rate of unplanned pregnancies in Australia.

It’s estimated that literally half of all the pregnancies in this country are unplanned. It’s also estimated that 1 in 3 Australian women will have an unplanned pregnancy in their lifetime (unfortunately the data around these topics is overwhelmingly cis-normative).

Contrary to common belief, these “unexpectedly up-the-duff” numbers aren’t because we’re a nation of horn-bags devoted to shagging free willy style (translation for non-australians: these pregnancy numbers aren’t due to sexually active people rejecting condoms).

Most reports tell us that, of the people who find themselves with an unplanned pregnancy, over half of them were using at least one method of contraception at the time of conception. Which is why the argument that people ‘should have used protection’ instead of having the audacity to ask for an abortion, is complete and utter bullshit. 

So if you were looking at your script for The Pill thinking “Nah, I’m bulletproof” you might want to think again. No method of contraception is 100%, and most of us aren’t even using the methods that get us closer to that 100% efficacy anyway.

Pregnancies can, and have, overcome the most strenuous efforts to avoid them. So the best we can do is be mentally prepared for the situation where it happens. 

Your body, your choice

Now if you’re a uterus owner, your immediate reaction might be that it doesn’t matter what the other person plans on doing because it’s your body and it’s your choice. And you’re damn fucking right it is. Hopefully I don’t need to tell anyone on this site about why they should be pro-choice. We all know that consent to sex is not consent to pregnancy, right? Just because you bang doesn’t mean you want a baby.

When the abortion debates come up, we often hear the argument that ‘people shouldn’t have sex if they don’t want to get pregnant’. That is some Grade A bullshit. 

The implication from that argument is that a human child is a fair and expected punishment for sex. 

Imagine if we told children that that’s where babies came from. “Well sweetie, when two people get drunk after a Lizzo concert and end up banging in a bathroom stall, conservative politicians and religious leaders like to punish them by giving them a tiny human that will drastically disrupt both of their lives forever.” 

Now at this point some people might be concerned about the welfare of all these unexpectedly conceived ‘children’ that are getting aborted. And cool, if you believe that conception equals human life, then that’s a reasonable thing to be concerned with.

But let’s ponder the welfare of that as-yet-unborn-human, if its parents are forced to continue the pregnancy. 

We’re essentially telling the pregnant person, “You can’t have an abortion. You had sex, these are the consequences. Now raise this unwanted child in whatever way you’re inclined to until it’s old enough to survive alone. If your indifference, neglect, or overall lack of desire for this child impedes its growth in any way it will be foisted off to an equally unprepared relative or will enter a notoriously un-empathetic foster care system.” 

Because, realistically, some people who are forced into becoming parents because they were unable to access abortion, they might turn out to be great at it and really love the kid. But a whole lot more aren’t going to be financially or emotionally prepared for how drastically their life is going to change. And that’s basically punishing the people who had sex AND the resulting child, for the rest of all of their lives.

So, yes, I agree “someone think of the precious children” and allow universal abortion access on demand. No one should be forced to carry a pregnancy they don’t want, and no child should be born to a parent that doesn’t want them. So hell yes, if you have the uterus, you get to call the shots. 

And this, uterus-owners, is why it’s so important to communicate your intentions to your sexual partners. Because if you’re not talking about your intentions, you’re not gaining their informed consent.

I want to keep my pregnancy

Consent to sex is not consent to pregnancy. It’s also not consent to parenthood. This means, if you’re a uterus owner and you know that if you became pregnant you’d choose to continue the pregnancy (rather than seek an abortion), you’d be signing your sexual partner up for parenthood without them being aware or informed. 

Sure, you might not expect them to be involved in the child’s life, or even contribute financially, but that doesn’t change the fact that they now have a biological child alive in the world. It’s all fun and games calling each other ‘daddy’ in the bedroom, but it can get a bit too real for some people.

In terms of consent issues, opting someone in to being a parent without their complete knowledge is rather a big one. Both for them and the subsequent child.

I want an abortion

Okay, but let’s say you’re the uterus owner and you know you’d get an abortion. Why do you need to have the conversation? It’s no one else’s business...right? Well, sure. But what if you ask your sexual partner the question and they say “Oh...well, of course I’d expect you to keep it. I mean, you wouldn’t kill a baby would you?”

Do you still want to fuck that person? Do you want to have sex with someone who, if you became pregnant, would not only want you to keep it but would also want to deny you the ability not to. Cos that’s oppressive as fuck. I sure as hell don’t want my pussy providing any kind of pleasure to someone that doesn’t respect the shit out of it. 

Imagine if you fucked someone, had an abortion, and then they used that as an opportunity to sue a family planning clinic for “killing their child”, thereby undermining the legislative framework for the very rights you’d just exercised. Cos that’s happened. 

Why men and penis owners need to ask the question

Okay, but what if you’re a penis owner? You might be thinking “Oh, uh I don’t know how I feel about bringing this up, because like it really isn’t any of my business.” Actually it is. Because you have every right to know what your sexual partner plans on doing in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. 

The ‘pregnancy trap’

There are many narratives online about how ‘men are tricked into parenthood’ or feel that they were lied to about circumstances leading to a pregnancy. Part of this comes from the lack of education many men receive about contraception efficacy and pregnancy. A recent survey about emergency contraception among school leavers found that the majority of them thought it was a “women’s issue”. In other words, “I can’t get pregnant, so why should I worry?”. Which is just part of why having this conversation is so important. Because we need men and penis owners to understand exactly what’s at stake each and every time sex happens.

You’re about to have sex with someone. You ask the question “What will you do in the event of an unplanned pregnancy with me?” And they tell you that they would probably keep the pregnancy, whether because they’re uncomfortable with abortion, or because they’re ready to become a parent, doesn’t matter. You now know exactly what you’re consenting to by having sex with this person and you now have the ability to withdraw your consent if you don’t feel comfortable with the situation.

If the person you’re about to have sex with indicates that they would keep the pregnancy, and you would still like to have sex with them, you can then make informed decisions about how to proceed. You might have both previously discussed being up to date on STI checks and had planned on not using protection - but this might change that decision for you. You can now ensure that you follow the ‘perfect use’ instructions for a condom and you may also choose to withdraw before ejaculating. All of this gives you control over your level of participation and risk.

You deserve the right to make those decisions and take those actions. And you can’t do that if you don’t have the conversation, or if you see contraception and pregnancy prevention as simply being a ‘women’s issue’. 

Exercising your penis privilege

If you’re the penis owner, and your sexual partner says they’d get an abortion, and you’re on board with that - great! But you should also know how you feel about facilitating that. After all, you’re 50% of the genetic material of that pregnancy, you’re half of the people having sex right now, therefore you should be prepared to contribute at least 50% of the financial costs associated with the abortion. And if this is the first time you’ve ever considered this, then I’d ask you to consider your penis privilege for a moment. 

Abortions aren’t always affordable and depending on where you are, they’re not always super accessible (which means travel expenses). If your sexual partner realises they’re pregnant before around 9 weeks, they might choose to have a medical abortion in their home. In which case they’ll need someone to help them out around the house while they’re going through the process. If they need (or choose to have) a surgical abortion, there’s a good chance they’ll be having IV sedation. That means they can’t drive and will need a support person for 24 hours afterwards. 

Now if the pregnant person is a one night stand, then sure, you’re probably not going to be their first choice. But there’s a lot of circumstances that could still lead to you being the one they ask for support. Are you prepared to take a day off work to drive them to the clinic, spend upwards of 4 hours waiting around with them, drive them home and stay with them and supervise them while they recover? Because here’s the thing - this is what abortion looks like. And if you didn’t know any of this - ask yourself why. Because for as long as you’ve been having sex, it’s more than likely you’ve been able to get someone pregnant.

For most penis owners, abortion represents a simple binary; become a parent or not become a parent. But the reality is that it’s a lot of fucking around - there’s a huge amount of labour, time, and money that goes into becoming not pregnant again. And before you consent to sex, you need to be prepared to consent to everything that an unplanned pregnancy and subsequent abortion actually entails. And if you’re not prepared to do all of that, you need to tell your sexual partner. Otherwise, it’s not informed consent, is it? 

For the sake of reproductive rights

On its surface, having this conversation is about making sure that everyone involved is provided with all the information they need in order to provide their informed consent to sexual activity. 

But it’s actually about a lot more than that.

Historically the ‘abortion debate’ has been dominated on one side by straight, cis-het, white men telling everyone else what they can and can’t do with their body.

On the other side are all of the people who are at risk of an unplanned pregnancy and want to have the choice to end that pregnancy - in other words, uterus owners.

The problem is though, there are a LOT of men and penis owners who benefit from abortion. Every abortion that happens is a pregnancy that could have hugely impacted more than one person’s life. Because it’s not just the person carrying the pregnancy, it’s the person who helped conceive that pregnancy as well. And any other children that either of them already have, that would have less resources once there’s an additional life to care for. And often, in situations where the sexual partners couldn’t have supported a child, it means that their parents or siblings aren’t going to be asked to step in to help raise a child they didn’t expect.

That’s a whole lot of men and penis owners whose lives have continued; uninterrupted by unexpected parenthood, thanks to abortion. And yet rarely do we see them throwing their time and money into advocating for reproductive rights.  

For some men there is a hesitancy to discuss contraception due to concerns about encroaching on the bodily autonomy of their sexual partner. Arguably many men and penis owners might feel the same about abortion. But there is a way to discuss this without it impacting autonomy. All it requires is that it’s about lines of enquiry, not asserting demands. Basically if you’re a penis owner and you’re worried about talking to a sexual partner about contraception or abortion, just remember that you’re allowed to ask questions and offer support or help, you’re not allowed to dictate their actions or issue ultimatums. That’s it. 

Once men and penis owners start to see reproductive rights as something that directly affects them (which it does), we as a society can start to have reasonable conversations about what reproductive legislation actually means. It takes two people to create a pregnancy, but only half of those people are expected to fight for their right to end that pregnancy, even though it would drastically affect both their lives.

By having this conversation before sex, and making sure that everyone involved understands exactly what’s on the line, we can start to look at reproductive rights through an equal lens. Because we all deserve to be informed about what we’re agreeing to, and we all deserve to be able to make decisions about our bodies. 

That is all.

You may go now.