[Estimated reading time: 7 minutes]

People…I like messy sex. I love being covered in massage oil, I love being covered in my own sweat, in someone else’s sweat, or just generally getting love juices all over the fucking place. What I don’t love is laundry. Nothing will kill your post orgasm buzz like realising that you’re going to need to use the stain remover on your linens. And this is why I am a massive fan of Liberator’s Fascinator Throw.

Look, we all know that making love is a messy business. Even just the most basic sexual encounters will leave additional residue on whatever surface you chose to do the deed on. Whether it’s sweat, splooge, lube, oil, or even the unholy trinity of stains; blood, shit or vomit. All of them are a reasonable expectation when you fuck. And deciding to bang on the kitchen counter doesn’t eliminate them - it just means you can’t see them. There’s a reason my guests are reluctant to sit on my furniture at home - and it has nothing to do with cat hair.

Okay, so you’re thinking ‘that’s great but what’s so special about this overpriced fuzzy blanket.’ Well I’m glad you inquired, delightful straw person. You see, the Fascinator Throw might look like your typical ‘fuzzy blanket’, but it actually has an internal layer of plastic. This means that whatever you spill on it can’t get through to the other side. I mean...unless you have a tendency to ejaculate acid or something.

The Fascinator Throw actually makes a legit nice blanket too. One side is silky satin, the other side is fuzzy delight and the middle is aaaall protection, baby! It looks like something you picked up at Bed, Bath & Bangin’ and comes in a variety of colours so you can match it to your decor - no need to hide it in the sex box of shame.

I’ve often left my Fascinator Throw on the couch during visits from parents or international dignitaries. When asked why it has a slight plastic feel to it, I explain it’s there to protect the couch from spilled wine, or cat vomit (equally likely scenarios to be honest). And the best part is, whether it’s red wine or sex drippings, it’s equally easy to clean. No stain remover required - just make your sexual submissive throw it in the machine for you, and it’s done!

The only real alternative to the Fascinator Throw is either a flat sheet that you throw over things, or rubber sheets. The obvious flaw with a sexual drop cloth is that if you create anything more significant than a wet patch, it’s going to go right through the sheet to the linen underneath and, most likely, to your mattress/couch/whatever. That’s where we get bacteria, kids!

So then you’re left with rubber sheets. These are great if you’ve got a dedicated kink space where they occupy a mattress that no one plans on sleeping on. However if you’ve ever tried spending the night on a mattress that’s wearing a rubber onesie, you know how absurdly hot it can get. Basically all the usual escape routes for your body heat are suddenly cut off, so you end up snoozing in a puddle of your own filth. It’s dirty, but not in a fun way.

Ever since I discovered the wonders of the Njoy Wand, I’ve noticed I make a big ol’ mess when I fap. And at first it made me a very self conscious wanker. I would try and keep my orgasms really controlled so that I didn’t have to change my sheets each time I self indulged. This meant that I not only wasn’t enjoying my masturbation sessions as much, but it started to impede the way that I actually climaxed. Then I got the Throw. Now I just chuck it down before I start doing anything sexy, I enjoy the fuzzy feeling on my naked arse and I go to town.

So, I’m not saying you have to buy a Fascinator Throw - but I am saying that you’re just ‘making do’ until you do. They’re a delightfully fuzzy-silky way to keep your linen clean, your mattress sanitary and your orgasms unthrottled. Plus they’re legit useful for day to day life - no more wine stains or cat vomit!

That is all.

You may go now.