[Estimated reading time: 8 minutes]

People...I’m still a dickless wonder. So today, I’m leaving you in the capable, dick-handling hands of H. Manley, Esquire. Before you read his review though, I need to give you a bit of a heads up. You see, I’m not a skinny woman. I have no issues with this, and I expect the world to follow my example and give no fucks about my dress size either. And yet, inexplicably the people responsible for the “Fifi Sex Toy For Men” felt the need to weigh in on the issue of women’s size and sex appeal. To better illustrate this point I’ve put together a gallery of FiFi Fails, curating all of the ads and memes that they posted to Twitter to help market their product. I hope you’ll take the time to have a quick look through it, since they will be referenced in the review.

So, I’ve never been to prison. There are many things I don’t know about being incarcerated. But if there’s one thing I do know, it’s that prisoners are infinitely resourceful. So it should come as no surprise that despite the lack of pussy in a men’s prison, that doesn’t stop inmates from improvising. Depending on the location of your penitentiary, these improvised vaginas are affectionately referred to as a “Suzy” or more commonly a “Fifi”. 

So when we were approached by the folks at getfifi.com to write a review of their product, I was actually quite surprised. To me this was akin to someone at a cooking expo trying to talk you into buying their new range of “shiv” knives. Designed by prison inmates, using materials supplied by the lowest bidder...what more could you want from a toy you’re about to stick your dick into?

In prison, a Fifi is normally made by getting a rubber glove, and then rolling a towel tightly around it, before filling the rubber glove with vaseline and going to town on it. The folks over at WhizWorx are the ones responsible for re-creating Fifi for a capitalist consumer market, and are apparently the only people who look at prison innovations and just see money to be made.

The FiFi consists of two parts. First there’s a rectangle of foam that’s wrapped in fabric. You have five colour choices for your FiFi, including camouflage (but how would you ever find it again). At either end of the fabric are strips of velcro, so that when you roll the FiFi up to your preferred tightness, you can seal in the freshness. Overall it looks like the sleeve your doctor puts on your arm to test your blood pressure; only slightly less erotic.

The second part of the FiFi is the disposable sleeve that gets rolled up inside the foam. This insert looks like a diaphragm that’s been designed for a particularly promiscuous racehorse. And it’s made out of latex, so if you have a latex allergy, you’re shit out of luck.

The idea is that you place the insert on the sleeve, then roll up the sleeve, squeeze some lube into the hole and proceed to fuck it. The problem is it’s a lot of fucking around to get it to feel okay on your dick, because of the size adjustment. Every time you need to adjust it for size, you need to unroll the whole thing. And it’s not just that you might want to make the thing tighter or looser either; because of the fabric you’ll often inadvertently create seams on the inside of the FiFi, which rub against your cock like you’re jerking off inside a denim condom. I shouldn’t need to point out that for most penis owners, the last thing you feel like doing when you have an erection is fucking around with what looks like a deflated balloon in a blood pressure arm band. But that’s what you need to do with the FiFi to get it to feel good enough to fuck.

The people at Fifi seem to think that fat women are ugly. And yet they’ve managed to produce a toy that’s about as inviting to fuck as the asshole of a dog that got stuck into a packet of bubblegum. Don’t get me wrong, there’s not a lot of masturbation toys out there that are super sexy, but this one leaves them all for dead. The latex insert both looks and feels like a rubber glove, which in reality would only be appealing to an echidna’s dick (or a prison inmate with limited choices). Not to mention, it does actually smell. Because of the size and material that the insert is made out of you’ll find that if you’re using it in an enclosed room it’ll smell like balloons. I guess you could always close your eyes and imagine you’re fucking a sexy clown, if you’re into that sort of thing...but for the rest of it’s actually a bit distracting.

The FiFi doesn’t feel like a sex toy, it’s more like some random corporate jerkwad got high on cocaine and looked around his office listing things he could stick his dick into. “I could stick my dick in a vase. I could stick my dick in my receptionists sandwich. I could stick my dick in my coffee mug. Oh hey, Bob is here with those leftover industrial off-cuts...I could TOTALLY stick my dick in those.”  At one point, erection flagging, I stopped to look down at the FiFi and had to wonder...Is this even a product? Or did some random guy find a whole bunch of whale condoms and poorly made seatbelt covers and wonder how he could it market them to humanity.

The texture of the disposable sleeve feels like some sort of Brave New World challenge issued to penis owners - how long can you stay hard while your dick is encased in something that feels like a used and abandoned rubber glove from a particularly sad prostate exam.

If I’m being completely fair, I have to acknowledge that there are good points to the FiFi. It is really affordable, starting at $15USD. This means it could be a good first toy if you’re only just starting to explore the idea of masturbation aids.

If you’re into slightly more adventurous fucking, the FiFi lends itself to being moved around a lot more than, say, a Fleshlight. The complete product is really light. I mean it’s 90% foam, so this isn’t really surprising, but if you want to fuck it standing up, or up against the wall, or wherever, it’s a lot less taxing to do than with something like a Tenga Fliphole Air. Also, if you’ve got a friend helping you out, their arm will probably last a lot longer than with a heavier toy.

The disposable sleeves make it a very hygienic toy to use, with no worries about bacteria build up and no freak outs over leaving it somewhere to dry after being washed. But conversely, it means once you’ve used the 5 sleeves included with your FiFi, you’ll then need to keep forking out more every time you want to keep fucking it, which is kind of shit.

FiFi’s tagline is “Better than your hand”. So they’re set a pretty low bar...which they then fail spectacularly to live up to. Their campaign spends its time listing all the things we should feel ashamed about putting our dicks into, when we could be putting it into a Fifi. The irony being that to date, I’ve never put my dick into anything worse than the FiFi.

On the whole, it’s not something I’d be recommending to anyone based on my experience with it. It was awkward to adjust, it never really felt comfortable and it definitely never felt better than my hand. But when you take into account their marketing campaign and how they managed to not only be trans-exclusionary, fat-shaming and misogynistic, but they also managed to insult their customer-base as well...I just can’t think of a single reason why you’d want a FiFi.

Kind Regards,

H. Manley, Esquire.