[Estimated reading time: 5 minutes]

People...I am a firm believer that you can never have too much of a good thing. I think dildos are a good thing. That’s why when I discovered that there were dildos with a dick on both ends I finally understood the saying ‘Two heads are better than one’.

Most commonly referred to as a Double-Ended Dildo, as opposed to my preferred name of ‘Dick-Dick’, these toys are normally only seen as the punch line of frat jokes or stunt doubles in really shitty porn movies.  Many Double-enders are made from really rubbish materials like jelly or rubber. This means that they sweat more than a Republican at a gay conversion camp. In case you didn’t know, you don’t actually want your sex toys to sweat. It’s not sexy, it’s normally a sign of poor quality, if not carcinogenic materials.

Most double-enders are purchased as novelty or gag gifts. This means their price point is about as low as their manufacturing standards. Getting sex toys cheap might sound great, but most people looking for something they aren’t afraid to stick in their fun bits want something that’s at least moderately good quality. And so the hunt begins.

I am pleased to say that recently my search ended when I discovered the “Dorcel Luxury Real Double Do” or as I’ve taken to calling him, Mr. Pink.

Mr. Pink is very impressive and is made from 100% silicone. This means he doesn’t suffer from the sweats and is super easy to clean. He measures an impressive 42cm and has already shown me more good times than Disney.

By now you’re saying “Well that’s great Miss Smut Buttons, but there’s only one orifice in my relationship.” Never fear my unaccompanied compadre; the beauty of Mr. Pink is that you can take as much or as little of him as you want to. If you’re a solo self-lover and you always thought that buying a double-ended dildo was just wishful thinking, I would ask you to reconsider.

Mr. Pink might be designed for two, but he’s actually a pretty generous lover for one, since the girth and structure of him are, like Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.

He’s firm enough to get the job done but flexible enough to forgive most mis-maneuvers. You can literally bend him in half and the idea is that vagina owners can use him to DP themselves. Having not tried this, I would recommend that if you do, you have a spotter nearby to make sure you don’t do yourself an injury. The tension when he’s bent double may cause a spring back effect, which could be less than desirable when it involves a sensitive orifice.

Mr. Pink, being made from silicone, is soft and silky to the touch and even more so when you apply a good quality water-based lubricant. If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in a three person relationship or just a casual ménage et trois for an evening, you will find that Mr. Pink will be an acceptable fourth. He will fit well between two reclined people with enough room to be maneuvered back and forth by the third person, who is no doubt feeling very jealous of the orgasmic action happening in front of them.

If you’re in a relationship with one vagina and one penis, you have the opportunity to explore a vagina-to-butt connection that may have previously eluded you. Or in any relationship configuration you can re-live the romance and intimacy of the ass-to-ass scene from Requiem for a Dream (I still haven’t watched this, I’m assuming it’s like Pitch Perfect but with a double-ended dildo instead of Anna Kendrick).

Or, if like me, you have recently lost your lesbian lover, you can always mount the monstrosity on a plaque on the wall and tell people of that time in darkest Peru when you hunted the Rare Dick Dick (and then quietly hum the Cat-Dog theme song).

The long and short of it (heh, see what I did there) is that despite what you may have thought about double ended dildos, the “Dorcel Luxury Real Double Do” is a high quality product that can be adapted to suit almost all relationship dynamics. And if you buy Mr. Pink and a Zombie Killer, your home would probably be completely invasion proof.

That is all.

You may go now.