This review has been made possible by the magnificent team at Nikki Darling. They're a kickass online retailer based in Australia whose ethics are as awesome as the products they stock. They provided the BodyWand 2.0 to Miss Smut Buttons in exchange for an honest review. If you're interested in acquiring the BodyWand 2.0, you can do so here. 

[Estimated reading time: 10 minutes]

People...there’s been a death in my family. My beloved Breville Body Massager (her name was Betty White), which has kept me company since I was 16, has finally given up the ghost. I would appreciate it if we could all take a moment of silence to remember her service to my body.

She satisfied me better than any other toy I’ve owned, and as a result has set the benchmark for what I consider to be a quality sex toy. A benchmark that sadly very few products live up to.

BodyWand Original

When Betty first started showing signs of her age, I began the hunt for a new body wand. Not out of disrespect to Betty, but because I wanted our final days together to be special and not spent with me screaming at her in frustration as I tried to wrench one last orgasm from her protesting body. The first item I tried was called BodyWand Plug In Massager, which I now refer to as BodyWand Original. It met the “plugs into the power” requirement on my checklist, and when I’d tried the demo version we had at my workplace, I had been mind-fucked by the power it held. I naively imagined that this wouldn’t just replace Betty, but would also supersede her in every way.

The power adjustment level on the BodyWand Original is managed via a little dial on the front of the wand, which means you can go from 0 to 100 with the flick of a finger. The only problem with this is how easy it is to flick it the wrong way. It’s kind of like remembering which cord opens your blinds and which one closes them, you’ve got a 50/50 chance, but you always end up pulling the wrong fucking string. Well pulling the wrong string when you’ve got about .5 horsepower hammering away at your clitoris is a slightly different experience, and one that you’ll get used to if you’re using the BodyWand Original.

Another one of the major design flaws with the BodyWand Original is the shape of its head. As you’ll see from the banner image, it has a series of 5 large indented rings running around the circumference of it. This kind of makes it look all balanced with the springy bits on its neck, but it’s a fucking stupid idea and I hope whoever came up with it got fired. If you’re rubbing this thing around your vagina, and I think that’s the point of it, then you’re going to want to clean it after each use. Because no one wants a case of bacterial vaginosis. But the indents make it fucking impossible to get clean! You either need to use a Q-tip or scrub it with an old toothbrush (which you shouldn’t because that’s just more likely to create micro abrasions and compound your problem). Even if you use a condom over the head, you’re still going to get a lube buildup in the crevices after each session. It’s a stupid, stupid design flaw.

I’ve said before that I’m not just a size queen, but also a power queen. I like my toys to have some serious guts behind them or they’re just not worth my while. Having said that, I literally don’t have the words to describe the power levels of the BodyWand Original. If you hold it on your neck, it makes your eyeballs shake so much that you start seeing stars. If the power wheel on it represents 0 to 100, I don’t think I ever made it higher than about 40. So when I retired the BodyWand Original from clitoral duties, I reinstated it as head of my neck and back massage department, which it’s absolutely perfect for. The intensity of vibrations are perfectly suited for sore necks and shoulders, but be careful if you use any kind of massage oil, because you’ll still have the same problem with cleaning it.

BodyWand 2.0

A long time elapsed before I was introduced to the BodyWand 2.0 by the amazing people at Nikki Darling. In that time I tried a number of other wands, none of which managed to live up to Betty White’s spectacular legacy. Until I tried the BodyWand 2.0. Aside from the ridiculous name, this wand is actually fucking fantastic.

BodyWand 2.0 is an improvement on all of the flaws of the original, with no new problems of its own that I’ve yet discovered. The head is a beautiful matte finish silicone which is an absolute dream to clean, or to use lubricant on.

It still plugs in to the power, so you’ve still got a heap of ooomf, but it doesn’t get to the dizzying highs of the Original. The wheel has been replaced with a + and - push button which makes it so much easier to control without worrying about vibrating your clitoris into your navel by accident. There are 8 power settings, and at this stage I haven’t made it past 3 (although I’m sure I’ll drunkenly make an attempt at 6 some time soon).

In between the two power buttons is the “function” button. I hate function buttons. I think functions on a vibrator are about as useful as nipples on a Batsuit. But I have heard rumours that there are some rare creatures in this world who actually enjoy having a salsa played out on their genitals. So I suppose, for them, this could be a wonderful new addition to the BodyWand.

It also, helpfully enough, comes with a really long power lead. This might not mean much to those of you who wank in, on, or around your bed, but for anyone who likes using their wands during adventurous play around the room it’s incredibly useful.

On the whole the BodyWand 2.0 is a pretty perfect toy and a vaaaaaast improvement on the BodyWand Original. If you’re a power queen and love your wands more than Mr Ollivander, then I can confidently recommend getting your mitts on one of these.

That is all.

You may go now.