So Fifi decided to launch a social media campaign where they showed the kids how young and hip and with it they were with their witty internet pictures and words. By the time I'd looked through their catalogue of promotional imagery, I suddenly understood why their toy was so shit. Enjoy, this bounty of Fifi Fails, captioned just for you.
Oh yeah, because the right decision is to fat shame people and be an asshat.
Also, your sentences don't make sense Fifi!
You gotta fight! For your right! To jeeeerk it!
Thank god we have men prepared to fight for their liberty. Because we all know that men and their right to masturbate is THE most marginalised group in society. #LIBERTY!
Is it though? Is the Fifi better than a sock? Because a sock is multipurpose, but I'm pretty sure the Fifi isn't good for anything except fat-shaming.
Also...is it really necessary to hastag the word orgasm? Do you really feel like that's something that hasn't been trending with humanity since the dawn of time?
Oh see, it's acceptable for this lady to be mostly naked...because she's not fat...she's not affronting our eyes...because she's the opposite of hideous...
#orgasm
It took me a disturbingly long amount of time to get this. For a while, I thought they were ovaries and I was like, how are you going to fix my ovaries, Fifi?! Are you donating to cancer research? Looking for a cure for endometriosis?! And then I was like, "Oh...they're balls".
#orgasm
Yes...because only men serve in the armed forces, because only men are fighting for LIBERTY!!!
Dying for the right to wank!
#orgasm
You know, that's actually the problem I've had with all my other sex toys, and my hand. They just keep getting pregnant and dropping babies in my sock drawer. It's super awkward.
#orgasm
Fifi...you've been hashtagging the word masturbate for a good long while now, did it not occur to you check the spelling on the images that you're shameless ripping off the web? I guess not.
#orgasm
Oh, nice, we're up to racism now. Smooth move Fifi! Nothing gets my dick harder than some casual racism.
#orgasm
I see you've finally found a situation where someone would "rather just use #fifi"...it's when the alternative is statutory rape. Nice work Fifi, #paedophilia
#orgasm
Don't fuck with Ash, Fifi! I will Charizard your face off!
Also, why the fuck would you need to multitask when the plot line in your porn is good? You just slow jerk. That's what the slow jerk is for. Do you even fap Fifi? DO YOU?!
Yes...poor men. This, right here, is why they need to fight for their LIBERTY!
Also, I'm curious to know how watching porn on a laptop is going to be easier with a fat fuck-off velcro sleeve than it is with just your hand. Fifi, you're not removing the need for hands...or porn for that matter...what are you good for Fifi?!
#orgasm
How would he even do that?! Does that fin look long enough to reach his penis? Oh wait...clownfish don't have penises and they don't jerk off. Dolphins on the other hand have been known to use dead fish to masturbate, so while you're in the process of ruining childhoods, why not re-caption that "Do you think when Nemo dies, Flipper will use his dead body to jerk off?"
Seriously? There are so many better Batman images you could have used for this! Like this one! Or this one! Also, that bottom line makes it look like there's a new range of Robin action figure that has a patented "fapping" function. "Buy your kid the new Fapping Robin Action Figure and watch him fap all over the caped crusader"
#orgasm
Fif...are you implying that the #men who buy #getfifi, are disappointing lovers? Are you implying that they're shit in bed and should just resign themselves to having to #masturbate for the rest of their sad, lonely, little lives? I feel like insulting your customer base might not be the best strategy...
#orgasm
Fifi...are you literally calling the #men who #getfifi actual morons? Or are you just resorting to images that you pulled from an email forward sent to you by your parents back when the internet first existed, with the subject line "Trust me, these are HILARIOUS"
#orgasm
"And dad had #fifi"...Because when I'm considering what sex toy to purchase next, I like to know that it's Dad Approved, by animated characters from my childhood.
#orgasm
I have a question for the #men. Is this...does this happen often when you #orgasm? Do you often struggle with the sheer force of your ejaculate spraying you in the face? Is this a problem that #fifi is going to fix for you?
Because not only is #fifi better than #socks and #fatchicks, it's also better than a silicone masturbation glove. Yes, if you buy other sex toys, you're sad and pathetic. If you have sex with fat women, you are sad and pathetic. But if you buy a Fifi? All the #orgasms!
No, it's funny because his shirt says "I came", but that's also what it's called when you #orgasm. It's very funny. I love using children to sell sad little wank toys that don't work. Do it again #fifi!
Many of Fifi's more spectacular fails revolve around their inability to understand what a "meme" is. For those of you who, like me, spend way too much time on teh interwebs, perhaps you'll appreciate their fabulous fuck-uppery with regards to basic memes. Apparently it was too much effort to get some un-paid intern to check Know Your Meme.
I'm not going to lie, the Fake Geek Girl meme is a spectacularly good fit for Fifi, since it's all about shaming and shunning people and giving men back their LIBERRTY! Too bad they couldn't figure out how to use it correctly. Also, since they've decided that fifi is only for #men, I'm curious to know how Fifi is going to give this woman a hand...
So...you can masturbate nine times before you kill cats with your wanking. It's a 9:1 ratio is it? Because that's what I want to be thinking about when I jerk off. "Has it been nine times yet? Have I killed a cat yet?"
The fuck...have you ever even seen a meme, Fifi? Have you ever been on the internet?! This is the Aliens guy! Also...what a convoluted piece of shit this thing is. It's not masturbating if nothing comes out, but Fifi will catch it when it does? Are you talking about edging? No, you know what, I'm now firmly convinced you don't know what you're talking about. Fuck you Fifi.
Ah, good old Bachelor Frog...Except what the fuck did you think this was #Fifi? Some random amphibian, making jokes about how he never gets tired of jerking it? Why the fuck would a frog say that?! It would make more sense to have Kermit saying that because at least then you can make a joke about him having a hand up his ass constantly!
Oh, so you took The Most Interesting Man in the World meme and turned it into...what is this? Some shitty penis size joke? Ugh. I don't always review bad sex toys, but when I do, I shit all over their fucking terrible memes.
Make it feel like the first time...I don't know about you #Fifi, but I don't really want it to feel like the first time. Furtively sneaking into the study, to enjoy dial-up internet porn, that loaded so slowly I ended up jerking it to a woman's eyebrows, before having a #orgasm and being flooded with shame and fear that someone might look up my browser history and find that I'd gone to www.excite.com to search for "boobies".
Did you fuckers misquote Ron Burgundy?! He's not even mad, that's amazing! Look at the damn context! Why would some random guy in a turtle neck be like "Jerking off in the shower?" Does he want to join you? Go fuck yourself San Diego.
Oh, nice! You actually got it right this time, well done! Except...why is someone beating up 12 cops while wanking? I mean I'd get it if you said "You beat off 12 cops" because I'm pretty sure I've seen that porn before, but this...
And here we have Bachelorette Frog...and for once your meme makes sense. And then there's the caption. Why the fuck would a dude have to worry about pruney fingers if he fell asleep after masturbating!? He wouldn't! Because this meme is about WOMEN FIFI! The fuck is a vagina owner going to do with a Fifi?! You fucking moron.
Are you fucking kidding me? Did you fuck up the Condescending Wonka meme? It's not like it's fucking hard to read between the lines, I mean look at his face, it's patronising as fuck!
Oh, I see, you thought it was a generic Gene Wilder meme, because you're making a reference to Blazing Saddles...what, you could find an image from Blazing Saddles? You thought no one would notice? Or did you just think that The Waco Kid wore a fucking purple velour suit when he was gunslinging?!
Also...what the fuck is that font?! Argh! My eyes!
So now you've seen FiFi's marketing campaign. You're welcome.
I’ve mentioned before how the sex toy industry is a problematic one. The people who make sex toys, often seem to have little to no respect for their intended market, and this is especially true for the people who make penis pleasuring toys. They seem to feel like the people who buy their stuff are lonely, basement dwellers who are equally aware of how pathetic they are. I’m calling bullshit on that. No one who uses sex toys is inherently pathetic. You know what is pathetic? Resorting to shame to sell your shit. I don’t care whether it’s a beauty cream, shampoo, weight loss, divorce lawyers or even sex toys. No one should ever make someone else feel bad about themselves, unless that person is doing something shitty...I have no issue shaming racists, homophobes and bigots. So show Fifi that you’re better than they think you are. Demand more from them. Let Fifi know that if they’re going to resort to name calling and being shitty, then they can go fuck themselves, because you won’t be fucking their product.